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forthcoming.




you grinned and asked if i knew about the ice queen?
i saw the stretch of ice in front of me
and i nodded slightly curious as to why you asked.
you had pomegranate cheeks flaring off
your blue tinted skin like all
the warmth had to settle there to survive.
you didn't look at me for a long time
but you kept the space still as if i could predict what you
were going to say.
i wonder how a woman could become so cold.
and then your tongue turned black like slush on roads,
to the point where i would have thought you had suffocated.
i looked away and everything was back to the way it was.
ending in white.

Author notes

um not sure if thats what you were asking for.. i might need to revise this a bit. not too sure about the ending either. some suggestions would be much appreicated

In a list

who do not live a life such as this.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • bird-mad girl
    December 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "you had pomegranate cheeks flaring off
    your blue tinted skin like all
    the warmth had to settle there to survive."

    -jhguihreuiahfioyd oh my god. holy shit. that blew me away. epic!

    The ending stanza reminded me of this story I read by FLB (I know she's one of your favs!) I can't remember what it's called because I read it sooo soooo long ago. I'd go down to my room to look for the book but I've got them all in this messy dresser that I don't use for clothes anymore and it would take too long to find it. But anyway, yeah, it just reminded me of that story. I like the way you write better. You have more rawness.

    xxx


  • stylization
    November 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this a lot. It was a bit confusing at the beginning; maybe you could add some line breaks? But I loved the ending a lot.
    i wonder how a woman could become so cold.
    and then your tongue turned black like slush on roads, to the point where i would have thought you had suffocated. i looked away and everything was back to the way it was.
    ending in white.
    amazing.


  • iverbthenoun
    November 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    love this


  • acoustical
    November 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "i only saw the stretch of ice in front of me with a million ways to fall through it. you had pomagrante cheeks flaring off your blue tinted skin like all the warmth had to settle there to survive."

    wowww.


  • Rembrandt Clarke
    November 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i really enjoyed this, you've got some really fantastic images here, esp the one about tongue turning black like the slush on roads... as for constructive criticism i 'don't really know, i'd definately go and check spelling but i wouldn't know what else to suggest.


    • girl shaman
      November 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      ah yeah i really do NOT spelll great lol
      the spell check on here sucks ass so i did it on a free one and now its better thank you!

1 - 7 of 7