Ramble

I'm not like that now. I know better. I know now that people lie & promises can be broken as quick as they are made. I understand that I might never be loved & that too quickly, good things fly in front of your eyes before you can reach out & grab them. I know that you can't change or help time, so every now & then, it'll just run out. There isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if you're standing alone for a while, that's why. Not everything in life comes easy, but when you work the hardest, that's when it's your best. You can't always expect people to care.  I have found out too soon, that in the end, you are your own best friend. Everyone will be broken at some point in their life, & more often than not.  It's gonna hurt like hell, but you can't stop it. You can't change your own fate. Some things are meant to be & all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge. You don't know what it is & when it happens, it'll hit you like a ton of bricks. At some point, when you have experienced everything you can, the words "life" & "risk" won't mean anything to you anymore. But, don't try & change that. Stuff like that is meant to happen. Over time, certain things no longer have an affect on you, & that happens cause that's the way its suppose to be. But, you'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter. But, it might catch you off guard & happen sooner. I mean, ask me. I know.

I'm at the point in my life where things are neither good or bad. They could be better, but they could be worse, and I can't look at anything with a purely pessimistic or optimistic point of view. It's that point in life where you just have to forge forward and hope for the best. You keep your fingers crossed in hopes of someday catching that happiness you tried so hard to hold in your grasp. That's the thing about happiness, it is fleeting. Like that firefly you try to capture and no matter how many times you waver, try to clasp it in your hands, but it never wants to be kept. Keep one foot in front of the other and move along, because someday that firefly will find it's way back to you.

The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mode of happiness, but allowing happiness to change it's form without being disappointed by the change. Happiness is like a child; it must be allowed to grow up.

A lot of my friends are graduating, and now the question is popping into my head... What do I want to do with my life? Become a pediatrician, yes. But, what if that's not the right choice.  And what do I want out of my life? I want out of the labels. I don't want my whole life crammed into a single word.  A story. I want to find something else, unknowable, some place to be that's not on the map. A real adventure. A sphinx. A mystery. A blank. Unknown. Undefined.

Just read this quote and I think it's amazing:
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark,
in the hopeless swamps of the approximate,
the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for
the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach
Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours."

Awww, and now all of a sudden the topic of suicide comes to my mind.  People say it's a selfish thing. I am in one hundred percent disagreement with that.  People say that people who attempt suicide are thinking of no one, except themselves; that they hurting the people that love them.  This is what I'd like to say.  Think about what you just said!  People who attempt suicide are usually depressed, probably depressed to a point where they don't think anyone cares.  I've been there. It's probably part of the reason they're attempting suicide.  They feel as if no one in this world gives a damn, so what's the point?! It's not selfish.  Someone might argue, why don't they ask for help.  Hmmm, let me think... uh, maybe because they don't think they need help, maybe because they don't want to be looked down upon by a society that thinks it's bad to see a psychiatrist, that it makes you a psycho.  So, sorry, but no, suicide is not selfish. 

Just thought of a metaphor for depression: Depression is like standing in the  middle of a tunnel with no light at the end.

....And I like cupcakes better than cake...

I miss spring and the very beginning of Autumn... when the leaves first begin to fall, but there's still a hint of summer.

I'm so irritated with my ankle. I want to practice tomorrow.  I know I'll be capable of doing so, I've done it before.  And, I'm at the point now where I'm thinking, so what if I make it weaker? It's basically too weak already. askdfjasiudf. I need and WANT to practice.  The first game is on Tuesday. I missed one practice because I was sick.  I DO NOT WANT TO MISS ANOTHER ONE! That would be terrible.

ugh. So many things in the head.  I can't wait for Thanksgiving, though, and the food. YUM! =D