Frosted rubies
spill from wind-burned eye-sockets;
the silver serpents slither
across his stoic visage,
and she struggles to catch them all,
like snowflakes on her tongue.
Trembling lips choke
on winter's chill,
dredging air from empty veins.
Author notes
Prompt: "Ice"
Artist credit: "Save The Tears" by Asunder at DA.
Admittedly, the contest-title also served as inspiration for this write.
A contest entry
- his tears fall like snakes down his cheeks. by stylization.
625 points, ended November 26, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Full of striking images and quite dark. There is a feeling of conflict with nature.
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Ok, I’ve read over this quite a few times. I think if you took this concept a little further there’d be something of interest here. I’m not saying it’s terrible or anything, just a little generic. For starters, I’m a little confused on how to interpret “Frosted rubies.” Metaphorically, I’m getting a visual reference to crystallized/frozen blood? I’m also guessing its cold with the “wind-burned/eye-sockets” reference. However, one could take “Frosted Rubies” in a literal sense, adding another layer of confusion to the mess. The actual “wind-burned/eye-sockets” reference is ok in itself, but I think a little more imagination could have really elaborated this piece. Moving on to “silver serpents slither,” I find the triple alliteration to be a little much. Maybe something like “serpentine spirals” instead? “Across” feels like the appropriate verb and connects well with the previous line. I had to look up the word “stoic,” and even my lexicon has fairly large capacity. Though, I guess I can’t complain about learning new words. I do like the "visage" reference.
The following conjunction really bothers me. The use of the word “and” feels detrimental to the subject of the second clause, “she.” I think a subordinate conjunction like “as” would work better. Although, I can understand that may be a difficult thing to rewrite. “she struggles to catch them all,
like snowflakes on her tongue.” is about the most redeeming aspect of this piece, but man I really don’t like the use of the word “like,” unless it’s absolutely necessary. “Trembling lips choke” just feels too nonsensical, even given the atmosphere of the piece. “on winter's chill,” I guess I was right about the winter reference, and “empty veins” is a nice little finisher. Again though, it feels little too far out from what you’re attempting.
-Doldrums (The Abstract Poet)
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First of all, thanks for your honesty. It's not my best, as it was written for a contest-prompt, and I only had a certain number of words to use... Plus I wrote it in the middle of finals and wasn't really feeling it; I actually meant to delete it, but then left it up for the hell of it.
I really don't like any of my poems of late, so that's why I'm sticking to contest-judging until my muse comes back
By the way, the prompt was "ice", in case you were wondering
Thanks agai
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i try to come up with weird titles for my contests.
i always like it when i see bits of it in a piece.
i really really like the imagery in this.
thank you so much for this entry. -
i bow before you and this poem it was wonderfully dark and just , i love dark reads like this, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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this is a really amazing, your imagery in this is just so beautiful, and i adore your wording huni
all my love
kitty xxx -
How interesting....I like the abstract here. One can take it so many ways ;D Great job here love! I wish you luck.
~Kystal Angel
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