He drinks bootleg whiskey 'til he loses control
pees in a bottle and is sheepishly droll.
A bible in hand gives him comfort at night
he talks to himself and laughs with delight.
Righteous as hell since he fought in the war
he'll tell you some lies for the price of a beer.
He sits in a chair with a shit-eatin' grin
and curses the devil for the shape that he's in.
He speaks of his mother a tear in his eye
the days of his childhood he barely survived.
The nights in her finest she went into town
feeding her kids on the wages of sin.
His daddy a loafer did little but moan
a man without purpose and bad to the bone.
He died with a whimper still drunk and alone
reposing in silence in a garden of stone.
He waits for the day when the chariot comes
rewarding a life spent living on crumbs.
At peace with himself he prays to his God
to show him the way down that last stretch of road.
Asleep in his bed and immersed in his dreams
he visions an Angel on gossamer wings.
With faith he believes a slacker can win
the promise of glory when "Rapture" begins.
A contest entry
- Tell us the story (In rhyme) by cricketjeff.
3500 points, ended March 28, 68 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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This is a great read but for Sue and I the rhyme (and this is a tell us the story in rhyme contest) is a little hit and miss.
Very enjoyable reading though so we both thank-you for the entry
Jeff and Sue
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I knew when Jeff set this contest that there would be some wonderful reads. I was proved right This is one of pieces that gets one caught up in what is taking place Great read
Excellent Good luck in the contest
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A delightful poem that took many forms in my eye. It was sad, painful, remorseful and a little on the funny side. Your flow and rhythm were just right. Sad that the fellow had to follow his old mans footsteps. I like the second verse. One moment rightous and then cursing the devil. That was funny! You have captured a soul here that is living on regret....and whisky! Great write. Thank you.
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I must admit I haven't read anything like this before. It's filled with deep darkness and sadness but yet at the same time I wanted to keep reading and was sad when it stopped. I really enjoyed this piece despite the sadness. Incredible images and deep emotions felt throughout the entire piece!
. Rewarded 6
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David
An excellent piece of poetry with a great story. Many I am sure go looking for their Eden through the eyes of a boozed up man.
. Rewarded 4
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Very beautifully written, and somehow at once sad and hopeful. I loved reading it. It was very easy to read, the whole poem flowed well.
. Rewarded 4
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this is really sad. i hope if you continue with these poems that he finds peace with a better life ahead.
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Enjoyable.
This is actually a dark, but oddly fun read, and oh so true. The rhyming couplets clash nicely with the weight of the subject matter.
I can actually almost imagine this as a song. Great job.
. Rewarded 4
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Wow what a thouhght provoking piece loved how you ended it well written!!
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It's a sad thing when someone feels that no life at all is better than the life they have. David, this is leaning on a dark side, and you did it justice with your easy rhyme. Poor fellow, those happy trails have some rough places for sure, that's the time if there is any faith at all, it will pull us through. This is well done!
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Let's See
You have a great image factory...
You have a definite cadence and easy way with words...
Your story line is intact and raw...
Your verse is long enough to finish and short enough to attract readers...
You did damned well, ole Boy!
Happy Trails...
PS Let me know when you need a new bottle, or maybe, an old chipped wide mouth mason jar!
b
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i like the pattern of this here poem it had a lot of hummor and twist to it i think you did a very great excellent job hon good luck in the contest
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Faith may yet save his soul from the hell he has made for himself. Excellent write about life's pain too many create for themselves in our overly stressful society.Well done my friend.
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