Inside one moment and so filled with passion,
the whispers in my ears makes the sweetest interaction,
when the precious light of the night comes to get you,
you will forever want to come so close to feel what we always do,
its that the stars illuminate with the accompanying emotions,
your soul is gently kindled by our best devotions,
come with me and lets run away beneath the fires,
for it is really sweet and romantic with the moon as a candle for the night,
no wind can put out its flames while it provides the light,
and so you look best with those roses on your hands dancing with the night beat,
i love it when the roses touch me kindled by the sweet heat.
A contest entry
- burn beneath the moon by Pamela A Lamppa.
1000 points, ended November 26, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
feel the thing that i feel?
Comments
-
I think you have some beautiful imagery wrapped up in lovely language here, but you need to use punctuation correctly. I had a difficult time reading this because I wanted to pause in places that didn't reflect that I should and paused where I should not have.
BUT - that is easily corrected because it is technical
Try something like this:
"Within a moment filled with passion
whispers in my ears are sweet interaction.
Precious light of night coming to get you,
forever keep you wanting to get closer too."
(well, something like that - this was quick)
You could do this entire beauty in wonderful rhymed couplets.
and oh how the love would sing even sweeter than it already does.
But what you don't need is a comma after each line. Punctuate poetry like you would any written document. Sometimes, it helps to write it all out in paragraph style and then let your spell and grammar check have at it. That will give you an idea. Once that is done, you can place your line breaks accordingly.
When you get really good at it - you can eliminate punctuation altogether. (something I have not managed to do) But there are a couple of poets on this site who have the gift.
I adore where you went with this prompt. Beautiful penning. If you care to make any edits, please feel free. I will be back to read this again.
Thank you for your entry and best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela
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