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Queen of hearts.

Hidden beneath the melancholy of doubt
with shrouds of doubt.
I blush the mourn to existence
no hint of recognition

no jolts of love
no breast milk given
like the spoils tossed aside
or a rose not seen then dies

them seeds are mine
no life Yet heaps of time.
To ponder my prayers arise
my yoke it grows like bakers dough

this doubt now turns to breath
as i peel the cage your eyes have made
the scars no more no pain
have shed my vein cocoon

out stretched arms
span uncontrollable love around
concealed in delicate eyes.
This time; I'm blind...

Author notes

All critics welcome

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Cannonsfire
    November 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Now you got it going on wo0t


  • Catie Sheeran gold member
    November 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow...loads of imagery, my type of read...great write

    good luck - eh, you may not need luck...your in the finalist list

  • Cannonsfire
    November 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Well it is actually better in couplets although not necessary..still have spell errors of "I'me" (no E) and 'doe' should be 'dough'...I'd actually put them in lines of four but I don't care cos I still like it so it's into the finalists list and you can keep fiddling lol

  • Cannonsfire
    November 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well i like this but...yes it's an inevitable but lol sorry but I am gonna have my two cents worth. Take out all the capitalization at the beginning of each line, it isn't necessary and detracts from the read. Secondly, take out the punctuation, because the thoughts are short and fragmented, let the reader decide where the punctuation lies and we can do that you know ..Thirdly break it into stanza's and make some lines only one or two lines per stanza to make the impact felt and the pause to take effect on the reader. Like the last two lines (btw you have an 'e' at the end of 'I'm')

    "this time
    i am blind" (no need for ellipses either)

    the line works fine without them and should stand out as a strong exit. You could do the same with the previous short lines of 'no pain' and again with the lines of 'no life, yet time'
    With a bit of fiddling and experimenting in edits, this could go from a good piece to a really fine piece. C