Thirsty ruddy roots cringe in remorse striving against the
winters surcease, arms flailing a silent pirouette for the twilight-
Each separate writhing limb passes into a static agony, a hundred thousand
amber hued leaves faint, for this hoary oaks ambivalence for life
is cast through its broken shadows the meager sun permits.
The oak burns an insatiable pyre against the cobalt theater
it performs, in attendance the zephyrs of the world, the gales
of the galaxy, and the waning sun who walks slowly across the indigo,
cane in hand a stiffened back he's leaving the the show in disgust,
so much he lent this oak, how he empathized with his struggle.
the silent soliloquy of the oak is only heard here, now-
listen, listen for he fleets fast and his time is nearly nigh.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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eh...didn't care for this either... you had some good analogies and words,but it was too much.There was no emotion,just a story. Sadness can be simple sometimes,and the sorrow of the oaks dwindling time was not stressed enough. You could've expressed this more clearly with so fewer words. nice try though.
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To each their own. I can't do much with just negative comments, I need constructive criticism, suggesting these fixes you seem to think would make the piece better.
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Damn, this is brilliant writing!
My hat goes off to you, Deindichter. Your gift for language is extraordinary. I also love the alliteration in the first and last stanzas.
Don
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Brilliant. I take it back, this is my new favorite of yours. As always your keen eye for nature prevails when it comes to composing poetic masterpieces. There's not a line in this that I do not like. Amazing writing. I think that break from writing did you some good...you're hitting out with some great, great work.
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I really am flattered by your words, thanks a bunch
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ILOVEYOU
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I love me too, Maybe I love you too, if only I knew exactly who you were?
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The poem is thought-evoking
and takes the reader to a world having true pulsation
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arms flailing a silent pirouette for the twilight-
Each separate writhing limb passes into a static agony, a hundred thousand
the silent soliloquy of the oak is only heard here, now-
listen, listen for he fleets fast and his time is nearly nigh.
those are my favorite parts... great write :]
one question though... what do you mean by his time is nearly nigh? does it mean his time is nearly up?
x o x o jane -
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thank you for the read. his time is nigh, I just meant the oak is near the end of its life.
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This is gorgeous... one of my favorite Plath poems is "Gold Mouths Cry," and when I read this, I felt that same crisp rush of imagery flow through my brain. Gorgeous. Gorgeous.
Thanks for sharing.
-Alysha
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thanks a ton for the high compliments, it feels really nice that this reminded you of someone fantastic like plath, I can only aspire to write like the masters, to even be accused of similar qualities is flattering beyond words.
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Wow this is amazing such a well written piece full of discription such imagry simply inspired!!
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thanks a lot
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bravo!
An oak tree, how old its grown and now its ambivalent towards life. Its long struggle to survive is only noticed by the waning sun. All the while, nobody has listened or heard the screaming pain, the static agony or the broken shadows that had been cast for years by the withering limbs. Now its time to die in disgust.
Beatiful!
Betsy Holzner
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"The oak burns an insatiable pyre against the cobalt theater
it performs, in attendance the zephyrs of the world, the gales
of the galaxy, and the waning sun who walks slowly across the indigo"
Bah!
Beautiful!
The imagery was outstanding.
Great write(: -
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thanks much
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WOW, WOW!
Awesome imagery and the metaphor...whew!!!
This was fantastic.
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Im glad you enjoyed it
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Great vocabulary
"Thirsty ruddy roots cringe in remorse striving against the winters surcease"...all I really could think as I was reading your poem was wow, this poet knows their vocab. It was an amazing poem to read for this fact and that there seemed almost a spark to the words, some life-giving force behind your work that makes it stand before the reader and awe them as they sink into the words. Awesome job, keep it up please!
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My general fear with my work is, its merely the language that shocks and awes, that there is nothing to it, but the fancy pants feigning intelligence, speaking with my nose touching the clouds sort of speech.
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Kudos
The imagery is unbelievable. Very nice write, loved...
"in attendance the zephyrs of the world, the gales
of the galaxy, and the waning sun who walks slowly across the indigo"
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Rich fudge--very hard to take it all in. The images are very sharp. I was overcome.
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thank you sir, thats quite a compliment.
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beautiful write. actually it is a lot for me to absorb the words, but the imagery you penned is quite gorgeous and it makes me feel like i am there and enjoy the environment. thank you for sharing your beautiful piece.
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Im glad that it was nice, I have to agree with the language, I think I might be overdoing it, possibly overcompensating for where I lack?
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I already reviewed it to you online, but I like free points even if its on a website I rarely visit anymore, and so I'll say it here as well. It feels a tad bit unfinished. And I think word choice wise they're are a few things that could be changed (we discussed already the word Bowel being switched out for something a little bit more engaging and I like your word personifies) I feel like this is a poem to put in the "I'm feeling extra creative today let me rework some old material" pile. But keep it at the top, cause its really got amazing potential.
Overall I'd say 7/10 but an easy 9 or more with just a few small changes. -
This is amazing really, but I am going to take it out of the contest, which really pains me because this is such a great piece. The reason I am removing it is that it is not really a natural thought. Your language is too complex and too beautiful.It does not feel natural, like a thought caught in writing. I hope you can enter this elsewhere and have better luck. Sorry and thank you.
Much Love
Carrie
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thanks a lot Carrie!
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