words of love bounce around
confused... just Satan
trying to get to me
to cause me to lust
but I hold strong and fast
to my faith and to my love
Just One Elegance....
Just One Strength...
Enough Pendulum Hearts...
some loss remains
something is empty
I feel it... the cavity...
Enough Pendulum Hearts
beating as one... solitude of strength
ENOUGH!!!
too many crazy thoughts
love words and lusting
never confusing the two...
always confusing the two...
always...
Just One Elegance...
just one love....
a faithful heart that has made many mistakes
hopeful soul hoping to never make the same errors as before
love... a strength beyond elegance
and static pendulums...
the perfect commandment
Author notes
I don't really know how to explain this poem. It's just about several thoughts that are bouncing around my skull. There is something hidden in this, that if anyone gets, I'll be amazed.
A contest entry
- round one (for everyone) prewrite contest ENTER ENTER ENTER (AND YES THAT MEAN'S YOU too by serenity silvermoon.
927 points, ended February 16, 1509 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I'm very curious what you think.
Comments
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I think you should give an image of satan making you try to lust. Show us how he is trying to make you lust. I think that would give an interesting edge to this piece.
Enough Pendulum Hearts <- This was a beautiful line. I think intsead of thoughts you should call it Pendulum.
I think you need to make these thougth coincide with each other. Give them a commone element to strenthen the impact of the poem onto the reader.
You have some very powerful lines, but they are not powerful without some uniformity in them.
I think maybe show an image of what you are lusting after and make that the common theme.
I thought that overall this was an interesting write. I just can't help but think that your beautiful lines need something strong to cling on. They can't just be floating in the air without some type of string piecing them together.
I hope you understand what I am saying. I have become a better at critiques thanks to my creative writing class, and please don't take what I have said as me not liking this piece. I thought the lines were strong. Each hit me as I read them. They are very creative and I found no cliches which means you have a lot of talent with comeing up with original lines. I cannot always do that. Keep writing. -
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it is called Thoughts for a reason, actually, and the phrases are hanging with no connectors for a reason.. I wrote this that way, because my thoughts were rushing non-stop, and there are certain lines that are written the way they were for other reasons... actually, if you look closely, some of them spell my boyfriend's name.
Just One Elegance....
Just One Strength...
Enough Pendulum Hearts...
Joe and Joseph are spelled here [just gave away the secret part of the poem, but it may help others to understand it].
and I don't want to give away too much, because this is true... and I don't want a certain somebody listed above to get worried.
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I really like the repetition of "Just One Elegance" that you have here. This flows naturally - like a train of thought...it's great. My favourite lines are "...just Satan / trying to get to me / to cause me to lust" I can relate to that. Really good work here
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