onyx fabric whirls
in synchronization with bass beats,
as your hand slides down my spine
diminishing the space between us.
scorn emanates,
a silent demand
for some arbitrary propriety,
yet our bodies twine,
mirroring our spirits.
masked desires unfurl
within contemptuous gazes,
shattering glass boxes.
and ever our tango continues:
sinful or virtuous,
unholy or divine.
Author notes
Prompt: "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." - H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
A contest entry
- NO GREENS! - A Rounds Contest by Pamela A Lamppa.
1700 points, ended January 20, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Thoughts? Suggestions? Anything.
Comments
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This is subtle but very strong: I am saddened to see so few comments here.
I see from Pam's comment that you have tweaked this and can only comment that I found it concise and well written.
This lends itself to many eras from the twenties Speakeasies, the sixties flower children, the eighties interracial or today's same sex and by that is marked as good poetry in my book. As poetry is subjective and is best left open to interpretation.
I have enjoyed this dance!
Ken
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Wow. You had done some amazing re-working to this piece. You really tightened it up and pulled your images together. I will be back.
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I like this entry. It touches subtly on hypocrisy but mostly on a perceived lack of understanding of expressed love in public.
"within contemptuous gazes though
masked desires unfurl
to shatter the glass box in which they reside
forget about the observers
and borrow some of our passion
if only for one song"
This stanza tripped me up a bit and I think it could be much smoother a read if it were a bit less wordy, such as:
within contemptuous gazes
masked desire unfurls
shattering their glass box"
I am still unsure about the direction of the rest of this stanza. Not certain if you even need it to make the point. Perhaps not. There is much to be said about the art of brevity in verse.
The "they" is always a divider word, the standard cliche of us vs them, youth vs experience, etc. I would like to have seen this poem less about what THEY don't approve of and more about the hypocrisy of it.
Lack of punctuation throughout is consistent, however, I think the entire piece would be more effective with it.
All technicalities that are easily worked for an effective piece. I liked this and find it to visual and powerful with message and emotion.
Feel free to take another look at this one. IM with questions if you have them and we will be happy to assist. Thank you for a fine entry. Best of luck in this round. ~Pamela
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