"Please hold me closer and promise me this,"
She asked of him through dying lips.
"You won't let go till my blood stops its flow.
The last memory I want to have is your kiss."
"I don't want to recall how badly I'm hurt,
Nor you to remember me covered in dirt."
But all he could see,
Green eyes, perfectly
While he wiped away tears
And blood stained her shirt.
To his own heart he held her,
His chest to her ear
She knew well it's rhythm
Been memorized for years.
He whispered how much he adores her sweet face
That no other girl could take over her place
And how lucky the angels in Heaven will be
"Cause you, baby girl, are perfect to me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When St. Peter asked how she could smile so bright
As the last thing she knew was a painful light.
"No," she said. "You're slightly mistaken.
There was one last thing before I was taken."
"The crashing pain was snuffed outright
By my true love's arms holding me tight.
Last thing I recall, just a second fore this
Are the worlds sweetest words and the warmest soft kiss."
"I already miss him and I hope that he knows:
He helped me say goodbye,
Helped me to let go
Helped me soothe my pain from broken bones
Let me know it was okay to give in and go home."
St. Peter chuckled at the surprising ways
God seemed to work things out these days.
It was obvious to him that she didn't yet know
Before her, he'd arrived, ten minutes ago.
Author notes
Quick explanation for those who didn't quite get it (not to insult anyones intelligence but there have been some who didn't get it)
They get in a car crash and the girl realizes she is dying. Her last moments are comforted by her boyfriend, lover, soulmate, whatever. She gets to heaven and only remembers her lover as her last moments. It turns out, however, little did she know, that her man died in the crash before she actually did but was still SOMEHOW able to be with her and help her through her last moments and is waiting for her at heavens gate. 0:-)
poem # 1 (best)
option best prewrite
picture- inseparable
A contest entry
- Paint Me A Picture;; Sing Me A Song (( Imagery, Metaphores, Simlies && all that jazz )) by HereComesTheSun.
700 points, ended February 10, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gold rhymed poems only. by ecrivain01.
550 points, ended February 11, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What's Love Got To Do With It? by 2lullabyhaven.
700 points, ended March 2, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - THE ULTIMATE LOVE STORY by bookworm987.
400 points, ended February 15, 46 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Angel's (thats me XD) Rounds contest!!!! by The Reapers Angel.
700 points, ended February 24, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Year. by alexandra..
900 points, ended February 17, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - (Contest #194) Miracle on the Hudson by daviscth.
700 points, ended February 9, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your oldest prewrite poems and my 20th contest by stargazer..
650 points, ended April 20, 417 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - CLICK HERE!!! by Rhapsody.
467 points, ended March 16, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lukewarm Coffee by Papers.
1200 points, ended February 23, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - LOVE IS IN THE AIR! by Auburn Sunrise.
2000 points, ended February 15, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - within your arms, I feel by Remnant.
430 points, ended February 18, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Oh The Options!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
400 points, ended February 19, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-Write Extraganza No Limit by poets whisper.
900 points, ended February 16, 96 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Over 100 Options and everyone needs to enter! by joleahe.
550 points, ended November 20, 48 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Waiting for the train to come in by marmac.
450 points, ended February 18, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gold I by Salty Hibiscus.
400 points, ended February 19, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Move Yourself by Walking Oxymoron.
700 points, ended February 23, 21 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Two entries. All prewrite. by morgana raven.
400 points, ended February 23, 123 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ---gold takes it all- - - by Xx.Toxic.xX.
1003 points, ended February 28, 38 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Abuse, Death, Pain by psychomonkey.
550 points, ended October 29, 146 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Soulmates by amysticwriter.
700 points, ended March 4, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do you have emotions? by Forgotten Anomaly.
550 points, ended October 27, 182 entries
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1750 points, ended April 14, 159 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 65 of 65
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I really love the story you painted with this.
I think it's beautifully sweet and very well written.
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"But all he could see, "
You have an extra space between "all" and "he".
"She knew well it's rhythm "
"it's" would be "its".
""Cause you, baby girl, are perfect to me.""
Should be an apostrophe in front of "Cause".
"Are the worlds sweetest words and the warmest soft kiss.""
Two things: 1. do you mean "worlds" as singular, or plural? If singular it should be "world's". If not, nevermind. 2. you have an extra space between "soft" and "kiss".
The last verse, second to last line, seems like a forced rhyme.
Other than those things: a nice poem that you have written here.
-Nam
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A very creative poem, well writen, and tells a wonderful story. Very impressive. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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Awesome write...both leaving the earth together with one final kiss...
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I feel the emotion in this piece but I also feel that your rhyming has taken away from it.
That's not to say you should always write prose, but when you use baby rhymes like "hurt/dirt" it really detracts from the over all piece.
The ending was pretty clever and it was a nice twist but I still really think that you should find a stronger rhyme scheme so that your words dont sound forced.
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this piece was trully .....AMAZING.... i remember reading this poem once before cant imagine why i didnt comment then...but any way beautiful layout,rythm,imagery .......excellent work .......
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Beautiful.
Oh you made me cry... i dont know what else to say. i rarely do that.
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amazing
i wish i could write something half as good as that
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wow.
this is just..... wow....... i love it. it blew me away. it was just amazing.
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WOW!
This had a great theme, I don't understand why this hasn't won more trophies, but congrats on the Gold and Silver, well deserved.
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WOW, THAT WAS INCREDIBLE!
Had I been alone, I would have probably sobbed.
(I also want to take this opportunity to say that i got it without the explanation...Proud!!)
This really is a great write, I'm amazed with the amount of contests it's been entered into that it's recieved like 1, maybe 2 trophies!
That's amazing in itself.. -
i enjoyed reading it. nice write and thanks for sharing.
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this sure has been in a lot of contests. Surprised it hasn't received at least an HM before now. I'm glad it had it's own kind of a happy ending. Thank you for entering
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Absolutely beautiful and heart-wrenching, I love this poem. Great job ^_^
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Oh! you touched my heart deeply with this write
Beautiful, well done -
Wow. Contest-junkie?
Okay, this is an awesome poem and a great story. Reminds me of "Last Kiss" by Pearl Jam.
It really doesn't fit the 25th anniversary theme, however.
Still it's a love poem so I won't DQ you or anything
Thank you for entering this great poem! I'm glad I got to read it!
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How heartwarming! This was a great piece. The rhyme was nice and I loved the idea. It's little miracles like that which makes you all warm and fuzzy inside. Thank you for sharing this, and keep up the great work!
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I love this. Good luck.
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This is a beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing it in my contest.
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Okay, this almost made me cry. Sucha unique story with such powerful emotion. Loved the happy ending. Reminded me of the end of the notebook, where they die together. This poem is very sad, but in the end uplifting. You are very talented. Great job and good luck in the contest!
[Liz<3] -
well it's rhythm => well its rhythm.
and unless there is a full stop at the end of a line, the next doesn't need a capital.
I can feel emotion through this, but there are many parts where the rhyme was forced, where the descriptions were pedestrian and where the tone was incredibly cliched.
I do like
"She asked of him through dying lips."
You have a base of a very good poem.
You could make some changes to your word choices and you could have an excellent piece.
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Thank you for your very beautiful yet bittersweet entry, good luck in my contest, Josie
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Please put your option in your AN.
Damn you have this poem in a lot of contests. Lol
I love this poem, its so sad, and beautiful, and uplifting in a weird way.
The rhyme made it flow perfectly, and I felt really happy at the ending despite how sad the rest of the poem was. I loved the lines:
"He whispered how much he adores her sweet face
That no other girl could take over her place
And how lucky the angels in Heaven will be
"Cause you, baby girl, are perfect to me."
They touched my heart.
I love love love it, great job, and thank you for your entry.
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Wow
I hope some will get the ending...God never fails and to have them both up there, loved how it seemed he was alive, instead to die and be there for when she was about to join him. Awesome! Blessings.
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very very beautiful reminds me of the song last kiss.
-thanks for entering! -
Great poem. Thanks for entering.
Good luck to you.
Brian -
Touching, thank you for entering and good luck!
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What a take on the love of a lifetime...thanks for your entry and good luck...lots of love.
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Very unique, I liked the idea that you got across. Good structure and wording. You kept it all very interesting which is a major bonus.
Thankyou very much for entering this into my contest and keep up the excellent writing!!
--Stardust xx
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Positive: emotions was drawn so much out of this piece honnestly it brought a lump into my throat and i loved how you placed this together eg.
To his own heart he held her,
His chest to her ear
She knew well it's rhythm
Been memorized for years.
Negatives: i was hopping for more imagery maybe explaining what happened why they were dying (and to be fare it was in the author notes but i wanted some hints in the piece)
thanks for entering -
What a unique and imganery poem.
Thanks for entering!
Love, Raneika
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I am confused how he arrived 10 minutes before her yet was alive and well holding her as she died. Not bad, a different take on a love poem - which I appreciate since I got so many and most seem the same.
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Wonderful job. Thank you for sharing and good luck.
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You have penned a wonderful poem, the twist ending really made this a delightful read. Thank you for participating in this Bandit contest, and welcome to the group. Write on my friend.
Brother Dennis
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Wow many contests and congrats on your golds, bronze and green trophies. I thougt it was a weet story.
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A wonderful narrative!
I love the story in this. It did touch me in an unexpected way.
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this is amazing! it made me cry! so much emotion in these words! it flows perfectly! woderful! i loved it!
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this is an amaring poem!!! it has emotion just flowing out of it!! its sad but OMG i love it!!!!
thanks for enting and good luck,
~*Princess Cuddle Bug*~
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This was a pleasant read amongst a throng of sad poetry, and I enjoyed it ever so much. I love the delicate feel of this piece, and then the strong ending. Excellent work and good luck in my contest.
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sad, but well told.
i might suggest, however, removing it from some of the closed contests. -
This poem is really sad, you told the story in the brightest way, I could feel your huge pain. It's very well written. I just love it.
Thanks for entering
Good luck
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This is absolutely the most beautifully sad poem I have ever read. I am still crying. I think I may have found my winner.Ty so much for this amazing entry
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Beautiful write. i loved this. it reminded me of a song called last kiss by frank something i think redid py perl jam. kind of like the other side of the story. anywho i wish you best of luck in my contest and thank you for entering this piece.
*~*bee*~* -
Aww leaves me with a warm feeling inside ^.^
This is a really great write! Such a sad yet happy tale. Fantastic imagery and flow, and the rhyme is perfection! Bravo!!! Great job and good luck in the contest
♥ Kathraina -
this is so absolutly beautiful!! only a little sad but so wonderfully sweet. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck
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Please hold me closer and promise me this,"
She asked of him through dying lips.
"You won't let go till my blood stops its flow.
The last memory I want to have is your kiss."
St. Peter chuckled at the surprising ways
God seemed to work things out these days.
It was obvious to him that she didn't yet know
Before her, he'd arrived, ten minutes ago.
This is true love at it's implest and best. Thanks so much for entering and i am adding this to the finalists list.
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typical love poem, the only thing that i did like about it was the rhyme which i thought was a bit above average thank you for entering my contest and good luck
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I like this a lot, it was touching and I'm not nomally a great fan of rhyming, but I could read this...so well done.
I will say I did find some of the descriptions a little tired; I 'd have enjoyed reading some new ways to portray the pain and tears etc that you shared with us here.
Thanks for entering. -
Oh my goodness. This was just absolutly beautiful and breathtaking. I havent read something so passionate and so full of honest and true love in such a long time. Thank you so much for entering this into my contest, good luck. Keep writing and sharing your wonderful poetry.
♥
B -
Oh... My.... Gosh!!! I loved it!! It was so sad how she was dying in his arms, but she died with his memory in her mind! But The ending!!! Now THAT was totally unexpected. I never thought that would happen! I absolutely loved it! Great job and thank you for entering my contest!
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Great job
i love this write i love the emotion in it good job keep it up keep on going stay true stay sic peace out and have a nice day -
wow i loved this it was wonderful good luck in my contest not that you need it
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Wow! This poem is beautiful! My heart was sinking with every line! Quite amazing! The story and the love behind this poem... Wow!! I'm in awe! Great job, thanks for entering and welcome to the finalist <3
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This is a beautiful write, I must admit...but I don't think I like the rhyme so much. I loved the emotion, it was very expressive. Very good, very well written.
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I love this poem!!!
But I'm sorry I have to DQ it, since it breaks the "no love poems" rule. Please enter another. I'm sure I'll like it.
~Bright
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omg
What a pleasant and unexpected twist!
This was absolutely beautiful and I loved it! The rhyme was excellent and the words even more so. A couple of mistakes but a proofread would be effective in fixing them
Thanks for entering and good luck!
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A very beautiful piece. I believe this is how I would end with my husband...Thanks for your entry and your help!
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Wonderful Offering,
you have rendered here, that sits well in my memory. Having come close to death myself this year, I can attest to the fact, my thoughts were of the one I loved.
Well Done! Best of Luck!
Respectfully,
Silent Hawk
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I believe that this will win gold. It has won my heart.
Joe
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This is so beautiful.
I love it!
Best of luck!
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A wonderful poem with strong emotion within your words. Heartfelt poetry. Thank you for entering our contest. This was a pleasure to read this afternoon. Best of luck to you. Take care, Sandy
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A very chilling and poetic journey indeed
This is a very sweet piece. I like the storyline format almost. Two hearts are never really apart. Its very nice. I can see the journey here, that distance is nothing to love.
"Last thing I recall, just a second fore this
Are the worlds sweetest words and the warmest soft kiss."
Definently a peice that was worked on with emotion driven force. Great write.
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A gentle loving surprise at the end! Both well-crafted and touching. A good read.
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Aw! This is so sweet, sad and adorable! Reminds me a lot of Romeo and Juliet...Your rhyme in this was a teeny bit forced in places, but I loved the ending, and all in all this was a really good poem.
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beautiful
powerful, touching.. A great write.
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