Indecisionsea

I?
Suffocating because all the things I'm ignoring hang heavy in the air around me
Drowning, because all of my indecision has formed a sea
and there's not a dry surface left in this box of confinement generations and masses have built
can't help but wonder what this box is made of
though i rarely find the walls, i know there is no escape
Why?

My learning, my understanding, my growth is like ringlets
that must form almost a complete circle before moving upward
i must come nearly all the way back to the begining to realize how to move
it's shaped like a strand of DNA
like one of those crazy corkscrew rides at amusement parks
like swirls, which i am obsessed with

All I can do is hope I am right, that my understanding is a swirl and not a circle
circles have no loopholes, no way out, no way to grow
circles are not my friend

but swirls! ah swirls, and waves, and indecisionsea, swirls and pain
that is what i know, and that is the world i must assume i inhabit

i must ignore all signs that i am living like a racehorse
i am living like a wave
i am not going to nowhere, but very slowly and with extreme effort
i am moving somewhere

even if swirl-life means a crash, there is nothing more putrid than stagnation

am i living?

sleep is flighty, and hard to come by
hard to come by, and hard to keep
i have no self control
i have no sleep
i have no understanding
i must do. i must act. i must be.
i must not think.
I MUST NOT THINK.

Thinking is the only thing I know how to do
analysis and anxiety come naturally to me
narcissism is the only muse i know for such obsessions
is narcissism an obsession with oneself or an obsessive love of oneself?
there is a difference
I don't love me so much.
Its not that i don't love me
Only that, my obsession with myself is not so purely based in delight

Waves give the impression of constant change, the ocean constantly moving with the tide
this is a lie.
waves crash, the same water on the same shore again and again and again
waves aren't wild and free, they are a force, but a force controlled
the moon pushes and pulls the waves,
their size, their motion, their emotion their evoketion depends on the moon
how to break free of eternal bonds?
how does wave ignore moon?
how to break open the box?

can the wet earth with its many litanies finally make burning, consuming sun revolve around it,
proclaiming that earth, not sun is might, growth, eternal and king?

can the gilded dreams of civilization and the wilderness dreams of free beings finally float into heaven
and have their message heard

I have no answers, only analysis and no metaphors come to now
but i continue to write
i assume i'm- damn whats the word- presumptuous?
no, no, no... pompous?
perhaps.
not arrogant per say, but melodramatic in my own certain way
serious.
i am one of those who is doomed to serial seriousness.
i have no delusions that my plight is unique, only my situation
acknowledging of course that the only thing unique about anyone's situation is the order and specifics of the things that happen around them
there's someone with your life out there,
but maybe you're the only one with your perception

perception is key

perceiving my indecisionsea i refuse to drown and try to float
i try to take a deep breath of the hard, suffocating air
my lungs crack and strain but i am not yet drowning
i float, or something like it, over continents and creatures i dare not look at
over sharks and minnows
over art and science

i am not floating.

i am anchored to the spot
it is the water that moves around me
the creatures that swim around me
even the hidden land has motion i can not access

heavier and heavier the air compresses
that which i can block only with fickle, evil, restful but not watchful sleep demands my attention

I will not sleep. I will not sleep. I will not sleep. I cannot breathe. I will not sleep. I will not feel pain. I will not sleep. I will not swim. I will not sleep. I will not forgive. I will only forget. I will not sleep. I will be watchful. I will not sleep. I will not notice. I will not sleep. I will not sleep. I will not miss. I will not sleep. I will not make decisions. I will not sleep. I will not sleep. I wll not. I will it not.  I.

Sink.