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Into The Jar

Papa came
when my mama got real bad.
He came with a suitcase
and a trunk, and a jar full of dirt
from a garden in France,
where mama used to play.

He was old, as old as
the sea turtles, maybe older,
but daddy said, no,
Papa had lost his youth in the war -
kind of like losing a leg,
only worse.

My mama stopped crying
for a while - she didn’t
curl up in corners or pound on walls,
and when she looked into the jar
it was as if it had been filled with fireflies,
all glowing pretty green.

Papa touched mama's face,
said things to her that daddy and I
could not understand;
I suppose he was telling my mama stories
to make her happy again -
stories, Papa said, had saved his life.

He stayed for a long time,
then one day he had to go home,
and when daddy drove Papa away,
mama held my hand so tight it hurt -
I began to write stories after that,
not quite sure whose life I was trying to save.


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Author notes

Prompt:  The Bulbs by Douglas Goetsch

 

 

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Comments

1 - 60 of 60

  • Emmyb gold member
    May 23

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    Lines that really struck me here were

    kind of like losing a leg,
    only worse.

    stories, Papa said, had saved his life.

    I began to write stories after that,
    not quite sure whose life I was trying to save.


    You have a talent for observing the world in a unique way and penning it perfectly. I keep saying this to you over and over and Im sure every time you log on here, you receive nothing but praise. Why? Because you write about relatable, delicate and honest things.

    Love this

    Emma


  • motel silver member
    December 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    this is just a beautiful, raw write.
    bookmarked and thanks.


  • Sesheta
    December 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    There are no words to react to this profound piece. (That I can find, anyway.)


  • Swan song gold member
    December 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think this is a little light into your heart funny how love can travel the smiles, funny how things like war can leave such a permanant mark in the soul though the body is unscathed.
    A think this is one of your stronger writes it should have gotten recognition


  • Everwind Rising
    December 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This I love. The beauty of it is in the reality of its humanity. Your versitility is astounding and this as with all your poems reads so naturally. They just suck me into the scene and experience of it all. Those last two lines are perfect--true, wise, and inspirinng.


  • zochit2me gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Dammit Lane...

    This is so you and I was sitting there across from the table as you told me this story...sipping coffee and nodding my head in acknowledgment...such a great story and perfect perfect ending.

    ♥Becky♥


  • Aussie Gypsy gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    How touching this piece is, I know they are fluffy words but I am wiping the tears away so bear with me. This is such an insight into life, this is real and honest and without fluff or pomp. I am in awe my lady. Best to you in the contest

  • Rowan gold member
    December 10, 2008

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    this touched me deeply. I used to call my grandfather papa, too. The ending was perfect, thank you for sharing this.


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    December 7, 2008

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    I love these family-related poems of yours! In them, you seem to capture a scene so real and true that we can not help to associate our own memories and childhood scenes with them. You have such a knack for capturing your characters' spirits without excess or too much sentimentality.

    This one is such a compelling story. The relationships, the passing on of things good and bad, and the final thematic line are just amazing. Truly enjoyed this!


  • just rob gold member
    December 4, 2008

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    Wow.

    It took me, like, four reads to really get past stanza two.

    The whole of it was really good, but what a perfect ending.

    It still echoes...


  • writeroftoast
    December 2, 2008

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    Your poems are exceptional. You're an amazing poet. No criticism comes to mind. Good job


  • poetryality silver member
    December 1, 2008

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    MY GOSH!

    I love this Lane! I was there! You had me peeking through the window, sitting on the side of the porch, sipping tea with you and "mama".

    BRILLIANT!


    Much love ♥

    Renee :


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    December 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Exceptional story. Absolutely exceptional. ~Pamela


  • tombruize
    November 29, 2008

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    Amazing

    This piece pulls emotions from all over and forces the reader to focus on several players, all with an individual story within the story, within the poem... This is one of the BEST writes I have read on here... Kudos!!!!


  • SimplyNoodle
    November 29, 2008
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    wow..i love this it really tells a story


  • PsychoAnalysis
    November 29, 2008
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    Wow...beautiful write. It really has a lot of emotion here...I enjoyed it greatly. Great job!!


  • JinSays gold member
    November 28, 2008

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    Stunning.
    Brilliant.
    Too many emotions are clouding up my mind to be concise.
    Blue.
    Yes.

    That's it, in a nutshell. Blue. But it's also my favorite color, any shade.
    I loved this. I wish you the best,
    Love,
    jin


  • parenchma
    November 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I have found that stories can get past the armor.
    Provide a perspective that allows one to see themselves. come see me.


  • Asylum Princess
    November 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is such a powerful poem, it spoke to me in so many ways. I experienced a wide range of feeling as I was reading along...peace, understanding, sadness...to name a few. The way it was so honestly written and openly discriptive makes it one of my most favorite poems Ive read here. You have a beautiful gift...never stop writing!


  • Jesann gold member
    November 28, 2008
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    A wonderful written piece.
    I really liked your ending.. last two lines.
    Well done

  • damienjoash
    November 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Written from the persona of a child, this poem is haunting in its intensity of emotions conveyed through the simplicity of words. I am particularly struck by the last stanza, specifically by the last two verses "I began to write stories after that / not quite sure whose life I was trying to save". it seems that the experience of the persona could not be articulated fully and had to take on the medium of stories, and the process of writing these stories perhaps aids in the understanding of the experience.

    the inter-connectedness of the lives of "papa", "daddy", "mama" and the persona is underscored by the ambiguity of which "life" was being saved / salvaged by the act of writing.

  • capetownlover
    November 27, 2008
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    i missed reading you.. still the same amazing writing i grew used to..

    c


  • nilav
    November 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    simple sentences filled with feeling made a beautiful poem...


  • DolceVito gold member
    November 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Brilliant

    Amazing write....It reminded me of my own grandfather, a career soldier, who in his later years had lost all sense of reality and talked only about the horrors of war, the necessary and unnecessary evils of war.


  • Malabu
    November 24, 2008

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    i cannot fathom your muse eluding you...nor ever losing sight of amazing poetry...such as this...to rub toes with you, is such a whimsical feeling

    mal


  • Pure Thought silver member
    November 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    My Lady


  • tomisb
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    August
    the moments, the man
    Such is the twine of love and the doors it opens.
    Love, Tom B.

  • Just a poet gold member
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A vignette
    of painful beauty
    cut cleanly from a loving heart
    memories
    that have shaped you
    made to feel real to readers
    miles and years apart

    I wanted to hold the hand of
    the you from long ago
    and the you from now
    truly beautiful poetry
    perfection in form
    and content that
    would make
    a statue sigh.


  • nordicsky silver member
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    If I ever doubted the power of the written word to move me, this amazing descriptive piece of writing blows that doubt away.

    I think then, you were writing for everybody and you still do.

    Thanks,
    Love, Peter

  • Topnotchsy
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This really tugged at the heartstrings.

    You have an incredible ability to capture the "small things" in life that are so important, and so often forgotten.

    "and a jar full of dirt
    from a garden in France,
    where my mama used to play."

    Love the last two lines, know the feeling


  • arafura gold member
    November 24, 2008
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    You have this knack of reaching into my heart and squeezing it... This is a wonderful write!


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Such bits of reality make for an excellent movie script, or at least a book, and I know I would buy one. Your muse pulls at my heart strings Lane, as I'm sure is the case with many others, judging by all the comments.

    All the best,
    mj.


  • RedAquarius
    November 24, 2008
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    Lane, you always sock it to me.


  • runewalker
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    and when she looked into the jar [full of dirt]
    it was as if it had been filled with fireflies...

    when pieces paint stories, visual and viceral, as this one does, the reader is touched and marked. Like a priest smudging ashes on a forehead to remind supplicants of metaphors long forgotten, this piece marks the inner skin, albeit indelibly.

    Thank you.


  • afroqban
    November 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    from start to end, this was great all the way through. you didnt let up not one bit. well done


  • george the 23rd
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Once again, you write a living, breathing, bleeding piece. I am glad to have you as a favorite. Your conversational style really pulls me in.


  • usefuldistraction
    November 24, 2008

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    Heart thumping right now, this has a deep impact upon me. Beautifully written, just beautiful. Urges me to write something...


  • Jersene gold member
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is heartfelt, real life poetry...I love it!!! The last two lines leave a lump in my throat


  • Catie Sheeran gold member
    November 24, 2008
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    eek! I forgot these guys!


  • Catie Sheeran gold member
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, I adore this piece...you really nailed it! I love the ending "not quite sure whose life i was trying to save" I love this piece! sounds just like something that happened with my family....exact!


  • R S Adams Jr silver member
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This makes me want to cry

    it has so much emotion in it. I can feel the pain and the love at the same time. You write so expressively and you choose ideas to tear at the heart.


  • Swangrnv gold member
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    What an experience..

    Wow, I can't figure out how you continue to take me into these, these places..Laney really all you that write feels like a magical experience, you do more to my mind can i have yet to be able to express..
    excellent, again


  • charcoal
    November 24, 2008

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    This is so good, each word is perfect. you pulled me into the story and made me comfortable. I really felt it.


  • PerVirtuous
    November 24, 2008

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    Telle est la vie dans un univers aléatoire. Comme enfants que nous apprenons à croire, par l'attention constante nous recevons, que la vie est au sujet de nous. Je n'ai jamais obtenu au-dessus du choc d'apprendre qu'il n'était pas. Votre écrit font le monde sembler si beau même dans l'esprit de l'aspect aléatoire. Il prend le grands courage et caractère de voir l'universe' ; la nature impersonnelle froide de s, l'acceptent, et croient toujours à l'amour. Voici trois lapins qui rient de mes tentatives d'écrire en français.


  • Amera gold member
    November 24, 2008

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    Touching and totally captivating! I really got lost in this poem as you shared such a beautiful moment of two people, a moment that you were blessed to witness. I as one of your readers am truly blessed by your pen.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You took me and placed me right beside you with this write. I could feel your emotions throughout and the images were vivid.
    Another slice of your life that you have allowed us to see...thank you for that.

    Love
    Sue


  • fortyninereasons gold member
    November 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    There is nothing to say except this is brilliant!
    Juls


  • Amarillistarshot silver member
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    OMG! This is so...moving. I love how you use 'daddy' and 'papa' in this piece. At first I thought that they were the same person. I love how the words are so simple, and all the more powerful for it, because they are through the eyes of a child. Great write, Laney!


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    November 24, 2008

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    A wonderfully vivid narrative, as if plucked from the middle of a life, right at the moment of inspiration. This is an amazing poem, of a quality the rest of us can't hope to reach.


  • Peteskid gold member
    November 24, 2008

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    quite a story, quite a moment...defining moment a path seen, a path taken and all the world seems to conspire to put us where we need to be...wonderful...PK


  • Cup-a-Joe
    November 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ~He was old, as old as
    the sea turtles, maybe older,
    but daddy said, no, Papa
    had lost his youth in the war -
    kind of like losing a leg,
    only worse.~~
    Amen lane, Amen. I was told that Viet Nam took 10 years off my life. Who want's to live to be over a 100 anyway?
    Love this.
    Joe


  • sailor ptolema
    November 23, 2008

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    !!!!!!

    ohmygod. i agree with foxy, those last few lines slay me.


    meg


  • notorious gold member
    November 23, 2008

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    "who's"= who is
    Should be 'whose'

    And ohmygod.

    Those last 2 lines
    absolutely KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL me, Lane.

    They really do.
    You are a bomb (not to be confused with "the bomb"; that phrase is lame )

    ;
    Jessica


    • Dalaney gold member
      November 23, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      grrrrr...how did i do such a boo-boo! corrected, and I thank my lucky stars you have such good eyesight...i'm tired, need to sleep, so thank you for your help, and for not charging me to edit my poems Love you. Lane


  • Cannonsfire
    November 23, 2008

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    Brilliant, its so obvious that a movie plays it, the detail and defining points in it. Loved it C


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    November 23, 2008
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    here


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    November 23, 2008

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    this was just something, i mean you did a great job on this, it was a beautiful poem kind of just i nearly teared up, i mean seriously this was good, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest

1 - 60 of 60