Through the freeze he trudged
on this morning early,
led by his Special Brew breath
that tugged him on,
mocking the silence
with its echoes of life.
A quiet he sought
from the light of day;
and people.
He'd left that other dark
at home to its own wake,
his mother night
and still flickering pride
that fought him to live
within his soul; then died.
Too tired he'd thought,
in pain too tired to stay,
like himself.
The crunch of fresh snow
below those loyal shoes
whose obsessive shine
caught his eye in the glow
on the name of the road
blurred like his young hopes;
stirred that past he'd caught
and held to this day
by himself.
An engine spat then chugged
in the world beyond,
caught in his ears all numb,
conjured up the face
of a man he once knew
who drove at this hour;
wrought in that real world
in order to pay
each real day for his own life.
Head low, on he trudged,
shed a tear at the shop
for the bus that passed yet stopped
for school back then.
He a negative now
in its once beacon light,
the sharing he'd brought
now so far away
from himself.
Up the old brow, down stone steps
matched in his heart,
to that brook so black,
so alive as a child.
At the edge he stared
at a beer-bottle there,
empty and nought,
a glass shell where it lay;
like his death.
by NaughtonP
A contest entry
- The Politics Of Damage by Redrusty66.
800 points, ended December 16, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Got an HM You Think Deserves Better? by Paloszoo.
900 points, ended April 9, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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Hi. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! I’ve decided to use a slightly edited version of my friend Arkbear’s grading scoreboard to help me judge this contest. I hope he doesn’t mind. It’ll aid me in organizing my thoughts and judging fairly versus randomly. I hope you enjoy it and find it helpful. Writers with the highest possible points out of 80 will obviously win
Title Appeal: 9.65 – Love it. Great title for this piece. Doesn’t give away too much and is interesting enough for me to want to take a look inside!
Poem Flow: 9.5 – Very nice flow. Read smoothly and took me through it at a nice comfortable pace.
Depth: 9.65 – Great power and impact in your words. Imagery was outstanding. This is something I’ll remember when I’m done reading it. Nice job!
Emotional Impact: 9.25 – Very poignant piece. I really felt the emotion here.
Spelling and Grammar: 10 – YAY!
Punctuation and Caps: 9.5 – Caps were perfect. I might’ve changed some punctuation, but that’s just my opinion.
Presentation: 9.55 – Great job here. Stanzas were just a little long.
Personal Appeal: 9.85 – I really thought this was a beauty! Well done!
My score: 76.95/80.00
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Nice write, excellent flow and meter and great dark subject matter. Great vocabulary usage and construction. You left ample room for reader interpretion and personal perspective. I was intrigued and it held my attention throughout, excellent use of dark imagery as well. Thanks for the great read!
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