Misery

All the misery in your house coming back
when did it ever really leave
it has always been there
way before you, and will be, way after you
why do you have to feel guily because of your mother
because she has made you chose between us
shame shame on her, just plain wrong
making you believe it was me that came between you
when the truth is she sent you to me all the time
because she couldn't be bothered having you around
and I didn't care because I DID want you around
and with me is where you wanted to be - ALWAYS
I would try to send you home on your mothers day off
to MAKE her spend time with you
and you would call me to come get you because she didn't
she was never there for you and that is a fact
everyone knows it, not a secret
and how do you think that makes me feel
she is my daughter, and I love her and want her to get help
so you had to start cutting yourself to get her attention
don't you think there is something wrong with that picture
so now all of a sudden she is mommy wonderful
I hope to god she is , finally
because I know that is what you have needed
but where was she your whole life, where
you were with me and she wasn't here
and now she thinks she is going to blame me
for always coming between you and her
HOW DARE SHE!
the truth, the truth, she can not ever deal with it
oh so much easier to blame someone else
she has done it her whole life
blame, sneak, use, make up stories and lie lie lie
and unfortunately you and your brother have now
learned how to do it all yourselves, breaks my heart
ask your father how many conversations we had
about your mother not paying attention to you
and how many he had with her about it
he knows and was always glad that you had me
I never did ANYTHING to hurt you or your family
I gave and gave and gave,  and then gave some more
just like your other gram still does
truth is, I raised you and carol raised stephen
while your parents did what they did for themselves
if you only knew, someday when you are older
perhaps you will, and finally know the truth
do you need proof? 
well I can line people up to tell you the truth
about so many things will make your head spin
but me, unlike your mother
will not fill your 14 yr old head with stuff that can only hurt you now
I can not even comprehend how a mother can do that
and hurt her own children to get back at someone else
that is selfish and just plain not right
she needs to be in therapy herself, has for a long time
I'm sure by now you know what she uses to deal
but I am the lyer
and your father, he knows the truth
but he just shuts up like a good little boy
so he does not have to deal with the wrath of his wife
working all the time, or so he said
just not wanting to be home
taking hand fulls of pills, not just for physical pain
for emotional pain, because she puts him thru hell
but he is a big boy and he allows it
you and your brother are children
and that is a different story
I can't even begin to imagine
what she has filled your head with
I am not perfect either, I have made mistakes in my life
mostly things I would not talk to you, a child, about
If there is ever anything you want to ask me
ask away, I have nothing to hide and I don't lie
why would she punish you and your brother
for a calI made, does that make sense
and no one even knows what the call was for
she has found a reason every night so you couldn't go
to dinner with papa, even if there had not been a call
it would have been something else, another excuse
she knows papa does not lie
and maybe some truth will come out
it is all bullshit with her, and I for one am sick of it
she has ruined so many things for this family
you don't even know
but you know what, when you are an adult
you make your own choices in life
you stop blaming others, your parents
because your choices and actions turned out to be shit
not anyone's fault but your own, your choices, your actions
but like I said, easier to blame than face your own truths
I AM YOUR GRANDMOTHER AND WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FAMILY
I WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU SAY I AM NOTHING TO YOU ANYMORE
BECAUSE YOU WERE MY LIFE FOR YEARS AND I LOVE YOU
I DO NOT want to come between you and your mother
I have ALWAYS wanted you to have a relationship with her
and have been angry with her for your whole life
for her not being a mother to you, like you deserved
again, ask your father or your papa about that
you are now having to chose between the people who
were always there for you, loving you, caring for you, raising you
because you don't want to hurt HER feelings
or have to feel quilty, SHE should feel guilty, not you
what about MY feelings, and papas' too
I WAS THE ONE ALWAYS THERE, no matter what, ALWAYS
right from the beginning
you were two weeks old
and lived with me for a whole month
our bond goes way back to there
your mother never bonded with you, I DID
so you just keep telling me you hate me
you keep believing and putting up with her shit
and you just see how long you and your mother
"are close"  because she is not capable of beong close to anyone
except when she wants or needs something
she has turned into such a hateful, angry, miserable person
and that is really sad and breaks my heart
maybe you can help her to get some help
and I will wait until you figure out it is all bullshit
just like your brother already has
you have hurt me beyond belief
my heart is is in so much pain I can't stand it
I thought I meant more to you than this
I gave a lot of years of MY life for YOU
and this is what I get
the same from your mother
Please don't turn into a cold bitch like her, PLEASE
I wish so much I could help you
I wish so much I could help her
and I will still be right here loving you both
my daughter and my granddaughter
with every breath I take
even if it is my last one!