you hold me too tight sometimes
draining the original thought of any form of love
replacing it with a cold frozen fear
and I'm afraid to tell you why.
because sometimes the stars seem to burn.
Chasing my emotions with there ever-burning light
though I know they're all just liars,
they burned out a thousand years ago
they're just a photograph of their former beauty
kind of like you.
I lied too you.
I can still remember
when all it took to make you smile
was the strand of hair that fell into my eyes
and the sound of songbirds in the morning.
You grew a tolerance, I suppose
now you want, no you need
more.
You make my heart skip a beat sometimes
though its not the same.
You used to hold me gently and allow
my heart to soak it all in.
Now you squeeze it between your dirty fingernails
screaming 'love me like you loved him'
because you don't even recognize yourself
and neither do I.
I sat in the front seat of your dirty rusty car yesterday
watching the passing scenery as if it was our memories
when I noticed a cherry red stop sign
halfway down the interstate of my mind.
Someone had taken a sharpy to it's good intentions
with a string of letters[lies].
'don't stop believing.'
If only I had seen past the graffiti.
A contest entry
- I'm not sure. by etoile.
700 points, ended December 12, 2008, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
criticm welcome.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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i loved this. there were some parts that i felt your punctuation was a bit off/ the grammar could be fixed, but otherwise this was amazing. i loved every part of this. amazing ending, very strong.
thanks for entering and goodluck
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"and I'm afraid too tell you why."
^ 'too' ---> 'to'
"my emotions with there"
^ 'there' ---> 'their'
"I know there all just liars"
^ 'there' ---> 'they're'
"I lied too you."
^ 'too' ---> 'to'
"I sat in the front seat of your dirty rusty car yesterday
watching the passing scenery as if it was our memories
when I noticed a cherry red stop sign
halfway down the interstate of my mind.
Someone had taken a sharpy to it's good intentions
with a string of letters[lies].
'don't stop beleiving.'
If only I had seen past the grafiti."
LOVE THE FINAL STANZAS
^'beleiving' ---> 'believing'
^'grafiti' ---> 'graffiti'
Good luck in the contest
-
Oh, wooow!! Such a strong and full of imagery and emotions poem. Whatever I can say won't suffice what it deserves of comments and praising. Just wonderful, you're a great poet.
Best of luck in the contest.
Much love
~Noor
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hahs sorry just realised that says poms instead of poems lolz
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The last stanza in this is siply amazing:
"Someone had taken a sharpy to it's good intentions
with a string of letters[lies].
'don't stop beleiving.'
If only I had seen past the grafiti."
Just brilliant, many of your poms are simply great, and this is one of them I loved it; your manipulation of words and imagery is always fantastic.
This poem really seems to take you on a journey culminating in the journey through your memories. Really shows how easy it is simply to ruminate when believing can be so hard.
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sorri had to comment again
though I know there all just liars,
they burned out a thousand years ago
they're just a photograph of their former beauty
kind of like you
those lines were aboslutely fantastic, not many people know most stars are not there its just cus their image takes so long to come to earth and i love the way you have incorporated this into your poem
a great great great stanza ;P -
i love the journeys you take me on in your writes
i really admire you cat
hope you had a good time in.......Georgia was it ?
but a brilliant write once again -
It's a great poem with beautiful metaphors. SUCH A GREAT POEM. It's so vivid in my mind. Good work. Good luck.
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Someone had taken a sharpy to it's good intentions
with a string of letters[lies].
'don't stop beleiving.'
If only I had seen past the grafiti.
------------------
very nice
love it
<33
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