Around and around it flows,
Never knowing which direction it chose,
Only that here and there it flows,
Down the river boat sail billows,
The beginning of a wave grows,
Then goes and goes,
No one knows where the water flows.
A contest entry
- Poetic Form: Monorhyme - Prompt - Water by Little Eagle.
600 points, ended December 28, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Thank you for your entry
You have certainly stuck to the prompt in this. Your rhyme scheme however was not very original and you repeated flows throughout the poem, which would not have been too bad if you had made it a refrain line.
I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy -
Me likey!
I like it. Especially the last line. It kind of packs a punch and feels like a natural conclusion. Monorhyme is hard! I could never do it, and I think you really completed the brief with this! I know from the comments below that you're trying to improve this, so I shall toss my two pennies in!
"Down the river boat sail billows" - to me - and it might just be me, because I'm a bit of an idiot - this doesn't make good grammatical sense. It fits but, it does stick a little. Maybe "down the river, a boat sail billows." Now I know this might mess with your syllable count, so.... I don't know.
But this is really excellent, I really like it!
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Now I just don't get the 2nd last line lol, but I'll stop bugging you now, I'm too picky for my own good xD But btw, I do like form poetry, I just can't ever remember how to do any of them!!
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Better! Just some grammar-ish and pickiness things now, by line:
2. choose should be chose
4. remove 1 syllable
And I don't know if it's necessary for this form or not, so it's up to you, but I think all should be exact rhyme, as in grow needs to be grows, go goes, and flow flows at the end. -
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Edited
I edited it again. Let me know what you think. I never thought a simple rhyming scheme such as this would be so hard, lol. Must have choosen a bad word.
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Well, I didn't do the syllable count on purpose, I'm just very picky with flow, but it turns out that all lines are 8 syllables except for 1 with 7
And I just noticed earlier today that I'm on your author page - how sweet =D If you can, try to not repeat words in this, it adds interest (1 line can be repeated for emphasis if you like though). I bet there's lots of words that rhyme with flows, you could talk about a white sail that billows, a dolphin that follows, or a wave that grows! How bout which direction the river chose? And I'd also lengthen the first line to better the flow and make a better introduction to the piece - "Around the bend, the river flows"?
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Thank you, I took your advice and edited the poem. What do you think?
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