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She believes cemeteries
are happy places;
where peace is engraved
with numbers and
the only sorrow arrives and
departs by footsteps...


She dreams she tastes narcotics;
has threesomes
and has picnics with corpses
beside history and granite.


She dreams all the things
she blushes at in her waked life
because she knows
more days will arouse her

and carry her through the
moments.


Though, a small part of her
wonders if
the supposed numb
really do feel and
if the mute would scream
given the chance

and what the dead would
teach the living
should the clocks rewind.

Author notes

This is all over the place. Needs serious work, I know. All valid suggestions will be taken on board.

This came to me as I went by a cemetery one morning and it was so still and quiet.... I had the dreams, I have the thoughts...In many ways she is me (shh though, that part's a secret)

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7
  • Afxb
    December 13, 2008

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    This is so good. I really like the mix of the reality of passing the cemetry, and the dreams and the thoughts.
    You gathered these together into a worthwhile poem.
    "and the only sorrow arrives...with footsteps"
    and it feels really connected to those images in the second verse ..images so far from the dead.

    The third verse is the rest...expressing things I fel so strongly...
    "she knows more days will arouse her and carry her through the moments"...this line describes how it is day to day for me ...I should steal it!!!

    I shall blend ideas from here into my poems!
    Thankyou.


  • arafura
    November 23, 2008
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    Very good. I really like it!


  • usefuldistraction
    November 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Yes, I really like the changes, it is a bit more urgent, and no pun intended, alive. Makes it personal, and in the "now". !!


  • usefuldistraction
    November 23, 2008

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    I realy like this piece. It is less scatterd than you think. However in the spirit of your request...A questions rather than suggestion. Would present tense be better? It makes the belief "now", instead of "then", makes her think of the drugs now and the threesomes in the present and makes the blush immediate. It might add an anticipation of he dead actually screaming what they know, rather than her wondering what they might say And perhaps make the openings a bit more of a declaritive. i.e., Cemetaries are happy places/where peace is engraved with numbers/and sorrows arrive and depart by footsteps. Really, trimming some unnecessary words will move this into bigger clothes. Just thoughts. Great writing.


    • silverscent gold member
      November 23, 2008
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      You've put straight something that's being bugging me since I started to write it. As I wrote this, half was in present and half was in past tense. I changed it all to present...and then to past. I wasn't sure which tense would carry more emphasis. But you've settled that. Thanks!!!


  • CaliOkie silver member
    November 23, 2008

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    Excellent.

    One thing only: somehow "drugs" takes me out of the cemetery.

    Here's my humble idea:

    "She dreamt she danced"
    had threesomes
    and picnicked with corpses
    beside history and granite.

    Somehow, the idea of dancing with corpses furthers the general theme -- and of course, dancing always leads to threesomes. LOL.

    Great poem, even as it is.

    Garrison


    • silverscent gold member
      November 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I get your meaning. The poem is about me...and I had the dreams about drugs etc so that's why I'd included it here. I'll see if I can revise that image. No offense. but I won't use "danced" just because dancing in the graveyard seems a little cheesy and cliche to me.

      Thanks for your comment.

1 - 7 of 7