I called you up
On the telephone
We started to talk
And our small talk plot
Was dreamier than porn
We were packin' heat
you and me, with our words
We took turns, had a lot to say
and waited for each other to say
the words we wanted to hear;
and we stayed and layed in bed for hours
counted stars through invisible ceilings
oh, just once, i just needed
all i needed was
to hear your voice
soft, kind and warm
and flaky like a biscuit
or downy like a dove
our voices mingled in the static
where they made love
And three sunny days later
we talked and we walked
And we were shy little parrots
with gray and pink tongues
but closed beaks and low'r'd heads
we hung beneath a cherry tree
with falling leaves
or was it willow?
i don't know, i don't know
i can only recall
the crows feet
and the lines in your mouth
we walked and talked
and i thought about your father
i called you up three days later
on the telephone
but you didn't live at all
and i don't even know
if i want to go home
Author notes
de ja vu... i feel like i've written something like this before... oh well/oh well/oh well (little cream soda).
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The ending didn't seem finished to me, or maybe it needed something more I'm not so sure.
It was good overall, I liked the images, especially the bit about shy parrots, that was beautiful to me. And the trees, it sounded peaceful. Made me miss summer.
Something just didn't feel connected enough to me.
I feel like there should be something more between the last two stanzas to bring it all together as a finisher.
I tried to be constructive lol. Just don't know what else could be wrong, guess I can't give my two cents lol.
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thanks for the comment! it is much appreciated. i dont know if thats a good thing or not that you felt the way you did. the ending was supposed to be unsettling a little bit, if not disturbing, most of the poem is meant to be beautiful (and im glad you liked the parrot parts) but the last few lines are supposed to be a subtle "crashing down realization" sort of thing, if that makes sense. now that you mention it, though, i might want to make that more obvious instead of subtle (it was all hinged upon that one line, really, "but you didn't [never] live[d] at all".) thanks again for the comment!
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