She loses control as tears roll down her cheeks,
No stopping her now, she doesn’t want this heart to beat.
Her feet grow weak and her head grows heavy,
Her breathing un-steady,
She says she’s ready.
Something or someone takes her hand and says come,
She looks upon an angel from above.
Is it really my time? must I go?
The angel tells her to take a bow,
That her time is up and they must leave now.
She steps up with the angel and kisses her son goodbye,
Bye baby boy I’ve got to run,
She says as she hugs her son one last time.
I just want you to know I love you,
And mum will always be here,
Even if it does not appear to be so,
I will be near to you in here,
She points to his heart before waving goodbye,
As she disappears into the moonlit sky....
A contest entry
- Imagery, Emotion, Imaginatinon by Commodore Rouge.
1050 points, ended November 30, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Cry by SeptemberFaith.
800 points, ended January 9, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
do you like it?
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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Welcome to Allpoetry
"Her breathing un-steady,
She says she’s ready."
These lines I thought were a little forced on the rhyming. And it makes me sad that a woman with a child would be so willing to leave him.. so ready to leave him and do it so easily.
Criss -
its realy beautifull and touching i dont care about the minor errors or mistake they are lost in the sea of emotions in this perfect poem .
realy good jop keep goin
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it's a brilliant poem. wow!!
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Thank you
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anytime, dear!
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You're off to a great start, and the emotion is clearly there. There were a few errors you should have run over with spell check though, like "unsteady" instead of "un-steady". But those are easy fixes. It felt like you were a bit wordy in places, but revision for that is also a quick thing to change. You've created an image that is very real for many people, and I'm sure many people will be comforted by reading your words. Nice job. Thanks for sharing.
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my spell cheak does not work but thank you fer your comment and your time
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Angel is the correct spelling. You have some angles in there and only one angel. Goodbye is all one word.
This is very promising. I love the first half I really do. The rhyming seems to go astray in the second half but on the whole this could be brilliant. I really mean that.
Jenny x -
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Thank you, i am not verry good at long writes just short ones
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Awesome write here
Oh my this does bring a tear to the readers eyes very good work
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Thank you, the maker of the contest wanted to cry, so i tried my hardest, i almost cried well writting this
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oh i have alreadu commented
oh well
nice poem lolz -
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Lol. Thanks again anyways
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"No stoping her now, she dosent want this heart to beat.
Her feet grow weak and her head grows heavy"
I like these lines, all in all a good poem, but spelling needs to be worked on.
Take care,
Shelly
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I am going to work on my spelling, Thank you!
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it flowed well and i think this was brimming with emotion
but you know what we gotta work on
lol
take care -
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Yeah i do need to work on my spelling, Thank you!
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Aww i feel like crying now.
I love your unforced rhyme here...[The angle tells her to take a bow,
That her time is up and they must leave now.]
you have a few SpellingMistakes..but hey, doesn't everyone? I am no-one to critisise
weldone - good luck in contest -
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Thank you!
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Great job! But i think you ment angel though.
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Oh lol ill make sure to fix that>.Thanks ^.^
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aw this is sad.
i like it though, its very good.
great job. :]
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Thank you
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