and i've brushed
my teeth until i
could taste nothing
but stale mint-blood
but your standards
for cleanliness are
tootight and my skin
isn't smooth enough
to choke away the
grime of happiness
A contest entry
- Very Important Poets-->INVITE only by sailor ptolema.
4300 points, ended December 5, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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This is one of the most provocative writes I've read in awhile... wonderfully done, fine poet!
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Hood Wink!
Interesting write. I found myself reading it a couple times to take it all in ... I like this highly, especially "stale mint-blood"
Great write!
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
(Apologies for late Hood-Wink!)
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i like "stale mint-blood"
again i love your phrases and how you craft your poems.
is this a reference to bulimia?
great write and good luck in the contest!
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This is a reference to the way I view happiness as cake
... some of my friends brush their teeth to stop them from being hungry because they want to be so thin ... I'm sure they do more than that too - but I can never catch them at it ...
thank you for commenting!
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haha wow i was pretty of on that one
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Outstanding
Some great images here and I liked the unexpected ending. Sometimes the best poems come out of everyday experience-something everyone can relate to- the poetry is making us see it in a new way. I thought this poem achieved a lot. Best of luck in the contest.
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maybe not so many breaks in the lines, combine them into one. Nice comparison to cleanliness. Be yourself and they will follow. Listen to Field Of Dreams. Good luck in the contest!!
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Ohhhh and I fancied the line breaks.
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Damn.
That this begins with 'and' makes me feel like there were more thoughts preceding the 2 stanzas you do give us...=intrigue
"stale mint-blood"
Fuck yeah.
I hate it when you brush/floss (okay, I never floss LMAO, but the few times I have, occasionally blood comes out...like I have scurvy or something!
Haha) and bloody blood comes out...anyways, what I'm trying to say is that that was an effective phrase.
"too-tight"
What about "tootight"?
Either way, I don't think you need a hyphen.
"grime of happiness"
Hell. Yes.
'grime' is such a dirty good word
;
Jessica
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I'm so glad that you liked this one I made that edit ... and I hate that too - but I have new supercool floss and it is awesome
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The last line (or the last two) struck me as odd. I like it but it took me by surprise. I wanted to go somewhere with this one, explore see what it feels like...you left me wanting more, which I think is a good thing. Anyway, well done Polly!
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Oh my This is one of your best ever!!! I love how succinct it is, how much sense it makes both in terms of life and in terms of symbolism, I truly enjoy the flow too... This is bound to win
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