.
twenty one candles
placed in
tequila-inspired patterns
around your
oh-so-peaceful body
followed by
rainbow destruction
of liar's tongue
.
Author notes
21 words 
A contest entry
- 21 / 21 / 21 by charcoal.
1100 points, ended November 28, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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this is good. good luck and thank you
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I loved the second stanza! I don't know what 'tequila-inspired patterns' look like but the words seem good. I also liked the contrast between the second and third stanzas and how the third linked to the title. Cheers
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wicked!
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ohhh i like this pol
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Yes I have to say the title intrigued me Retribution somehow doesn't go with birthday so had to have a peek!
An excellent write in that it is open to many interpretations.
It read to me as someone who had died just reaching their 21st birthday
from alcohol. That alcohol addiction had made the person in the past ansr other in denial all the time.
Maybe a too simplistic interpretation, but I love that you could do this in so few words.
All the best with this
Gaylene
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I like your line breaks, but I think having longer stanzas would be better. Like, I think think that second and third stanza should be joined together, for sure.
"twenty one" <==hyphen?
"tequila-inspired patterns"
How bloody unique!! Love it.
"oh-so-peaceful body"
I'm not sure why, but I didn't like the "oh-so-peaceful" thing; it sounded a bit forced to me (or maybe it's my current mood right now).
"rainbow destruction"
Like the cake?
LOVE this phrase...could easily be a contest prompt.
"liar's tongue"
I love the lack of an article word here, actually.
Jessica
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I made an edit for it the 'oh-so-peaceful' was meant to be harsh/ snide ... so maybe forced isn't so much of a bad thing there
... love that you liked the ending
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I love that you actually reply and explain stuff I didn't like or didn't understand.
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The title attracted me, 'cause I live for birthdays!! (well, almost )
I think it was a very good idea to place that first line in a separated stanza. It is simple, forward, and shows very much.
The tequila inspired patterns is a very creative phrase, I think, especially since tequila is a fluid so it makes me think of chaotic patterns (more so seeing how it's an alcoholic drink).
I like how I derive both peace and irony in the second to last stanza. Absolutely
"rainbow destruction"... I sort of thing "the liar's tongue" would have helped the flow better though.
I get mixed feelings about this... like happiness from a lie perhaps? Anyway, awesome imagery! Your work is always good
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The way I read it "the liar's tongue" doesn't really sound like it is the destruction of the tongue - but that the tongue is doing the destroying? Hmm ... thank you for the suggestion - I'll think about some edits!
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Well done. This was a very thought-provoking write that leaves room for many different interpretations. I had flashes of morbid images floating around in my head while reading. That could just be a personal problem. Best of luck!
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I like this! Well done indeed!
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I really love this. It's so well written and the descriptions are amazing. I love when short poems have imagery and depth.
Good luck in the contest
~Steph
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I like this, I can see the candles burning around a sleeping body - 'rainbow' for me is the dripping wax from the candles. I love ' tequila-inspired patterns ' too.
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