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...doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city...

The sun weighs a ton
and handles my shadow badly.

Battling back visible heat,
I beat my feet on unlivable streets.
I'm not too stubborn to discover defeat,
so give me wealth or else I'll self-delete.

Beep.

I am the gun-running money machine,
the no-fun honey, American't dream.
The objects in mirror aren't as near as they seem,
and all your friends are here, so try not to scream.

I'm a diluted mouth-shooting computer-for-food dude,
my chewing crudely polluting without oil, just crude.
As we venture through our toil in the shadow of the Brood,
we invent a new soil and enjoy the attitude.

Here I am standing in the land that we demanded
with the panorama making sure I understand it.
The ships are in, my friends, ho, we have landed.
...but these streets are the same dusty lanes I disdained before I planned them.

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Comments


  • Nocturne
    December 24, 2008

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    For me, what you win in wonderful imagery and figurative language is lost because of the forced rhyme. Generally, if you want to avoid that rushed/broken dissimilarity between the lines, the rhyming lines would need to have an equal pattern of stress and syllable count. Example:

    You have

    I am the gun-running money machine,
    the no-fun honey, American't dream
    The objects in mirror aren't as near as they seem,
    and all your friends are here, so try not to scream.

    Which read:

    i AM the GUN-RUNning MONey macCHINE,
    the NO-fun HOney, AMERican't DREAM
    the OBjects in MIrror Aren't as NEar as they SEEM,
    and ALL your FRIEnds are HERE, so TRY not to SCREAM.

    Now I see that there is a general pattern there, but to be honest, I didn't feel regularity. It could be that you intend the contrast between the iambic first half and the galloping second half, but the end of line four felt rushed, while the beginning of line three felt like it limped. Again, if this was intentional, nothing I can say, except that I'm probably just not the intended reader.

    Again, lovely opening and imagery. Good luck writing and cheers for the read.

  • Francis Vincent
    December 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    exquisite

    the whole verse is superb
    but
    "The sun weighs a ton
    and handles my shadow badly."
    that is such an antonymical line
    it ebraces strenght, power, longevity, a almost godlike entity, the universe
    i mean the sun,
    yet powerlessness to control, in all probability, the essence of nothing, no weight, no substance, an illusion yet there
    a shadow

  • Vainamoinen
    December 21, 2008

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    I'd like to see more rhyme! Rhyme more than the end words of every line and this could be killer instead of... A poem that really begs for a beat behind it.


  • five4three2fun
    December 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    the last three stanzas are awesome...the stuff before that, i think, is still good but doesn't measure up. it works, but i'd go for something deeper, if you can...something in a similar style to what you end with.