she rubbed her
already-sleep-deprived-ruddy-nose that was hit accidentally
by a wall
which really
stood in her way
they prepared for a joint party yesterday--
she undressed inner secrets
he devoured on fleshylove.
there was nothing more he could do:
see beyond their eyes, a sarcasm imprinted on shaky hands
were like wet skin licked before alcohol slowly burnt its way down
to silkroute-nirvana-land--
cigarette smokes
were just like penguins on mars
it was pointless
to care
it was just pointless
to think love could be music
she and he tripped and loneliness said
come on. people have moments
without feeling the drive
covered up by marijuana. drug superimposed. drug overdosed. death over the top. death every now …and there--blindfold him blindfold her. a perfect story.
A contest entry
- empty pack of cigarettes drizzle on the window & the pair of gloves you left behind by Rembrandt Clarke.
875 points, ended November 24, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
you can comment. critique. leave behind whatever you will like to say,
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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-stood on her way
not sure, typo? in?
-see beyond their eyes, a sarcasm imprintined on shaky hands
imprinted?
-blindfold him. blindfold her. <<< <3
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yes crazy eyes! both typos and thanks.
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i actually enjoy your use of hyphens here & the progression felt very smooth
i liked the disjointed feel not only of the layout but of the images, the distant nature of a penguin on mars, & the hypens seemed to just mold all it together
so i felt this deserved more.
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you know that i know you love me! psshhh
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thanks for entering the contest,
there was some excellant lines in here, the penguins on mars one in particular. but for me, the story lacked something, i felt it needed more depth, rather than just trotting down the well trodden path of drug use and so on, i think this definately be developed into something good. but i thought you overused a lot of the hyphens between words and i couldn't really understand why the italics were used to this extent. -
ha! pequins on mars only you would come up with that genius line hun lol i luffff it
i honestly love so many parts of this.. fleshylove, silkroute nirvana land.. thats just whoa.. heartstopping. i hope you win this!
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