Smatterings of myself
lie broken... unafraid
the torment is natural, "normal".
the ((feelings)) are empty
the thoughts are j^a>g.e.r.e> d
The walls are high
but flimsy.
(which you n o t i c e d.)
and so they fell...
again & again
until no bricks were left
& no tools for building.
It seemed wonderful. ~M~a!g#i^c*a%l
........At first.................
But it could never work
You could never be as perfect as i needed you to be
to justify the << tearing >>> of the walls
And now im lost, broken,
&
Afraid.
Author notes
i changed high from a vertical high to horrizontal. does it help?
A contest entry
- Prompt Contest by delightfulmess.
550 points, ended December 2, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Reality vs. Illusions by Suicide Hotline.
700 points, ended December 28, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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very original form, and i liked the poem, thanks for your entery
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Awe so very sad
Well done
thank you for entering my contest
Delila -
A piece I can relate to, though I hope one day not to. Great job!
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I liked it. This piece shows a lot of emotion. Well penned.
The "the walls are high..." part was kind of confusing, just because the reader looks at "high" before "the walls are." Maybe edit that a bit?
Love it though
~HH
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Hmmm...I am a new lover of DP personally and I have seen it done really well and not well at all. I will say that you were creative but there were a couple places that need to be tweaked just a tad.
I'm not sure what word you were after when using "j^a>g.e.r.e> d" so that stanza confused me a little.
Otherwise, very interesting! I'd like to see some of your other poetry, DP or not.. -
I like it
Excellent self analysis. I had to read it twice to get it. There is a vicious circle of longing for love and ending up in pain, but what caused it the one who isn't perfect or your high expectation of perfection in someone else. Interesting.
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I like it
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