I do all I can,
yet according to you
it's never enough.
I must demand,
when will it?
Then take all I am.
Take all that is left,
my blood I shed
just to see you smile.
As I plunge the knife,
deep into the skin
another pint I shed for you
A contest entry
- your black & white needs a little bit of red... by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended November 26, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
please give me constructive criticism
Comments
-
Firstly, I'm sorry if this is personal. I understand that physical pain is easier to relate to, but it still saddens me that so many close to me have harmed themselves in this way; it breaks my heart
The poem itself is a good starting-point, though I recommend going into a bit more detail. Possibly describe this person's treatment of you, the feelings of inadequacy and shame, or even the colour of the blood itself; these seemingly-minor bits will help you to better connect with your reader.
Well done & thanks for entering!
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