why don't you understand,
that of which i feel,
why don't you seem to notice,
the tears of which i shed,
why don't you look at me,
as i bare my wounded body,
why can't you see me,
for i am sick of hidding,
Author notes
sorry if it is really bad i wrote it in like a min
what did you think? where can improvements be made
Comments
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Welcome to Allpoetry
This is raw and emotional in content. Stylistically, I think that the commas are not needed as much as they've been used, and in the first few lines "of which" sghould just be "which". Except that, I think the strongest image you have here is "why don't you look at me as I bare my wounded body". Best wishes
~Diana -
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thanks for the comment,
i think you are right there are to many comma's i get carried away,
yes i agree withthe which things to... i wrote it very fast had to get it out lol.
thanks again
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Good, But Needs Editing
I think this poem is good, it convey's your message of hurt clearly and deeply. However the "of which" in both "that of which I feel" and "the tears of which I shed" seems awkward. Perhaps 'that which I feel' and 'the tears which I said' is better?
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thanks for commenting
i think you are right i shall change that
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