Images, sounds, and smells…
a xeric rhapsody that orchestrates my
thoughts and feelings since my return.
The dry desert landscape, once so hauntingly beautiful,
now has morphed into hell and won’t release me…
won’t release those that I left behind... living or dead.
Like wind swept sand abrading my mind,
the pain and the memories have worn
away reality, leaving me in an Abu Ghraib
of my own making.
NO! I didn’t make it… I just reside in its torture.
I chuckle in irony. The razor blade looks like a dog tag,
complete with my name and, soon, blood type.
Funny, I had forgotten what it felt like to laugh.
The silver blade sparkles and then slowly writes
freedom across my arm…
The warm garnet liquid runs down my arm,
pooling in my hands.
I feel the pain trickle from me, the images darkening,
the sounds fading, the faint ferrous smell of release
overwhelming the stench of the past…
Funny how the darkness has gotten so cold,
like the desert at night. Full circle...
I smile.
Author notes
Username: KayJay
First name [or name you will like to go by that is not your username]: Ken
Age: 62 (don't be an agist 
)
General poetic style: I prefer rhyme but am comfortable with all subjects, all genres, all styles.
Why you’re interested in this contest: I love a challenge.
Options: 1b "Dogtags" 3b. A controversial write about War
Picture Credit: http://suzi9mm.deviantart.com/art/i-am-the-drain-19561150
Under 25 lines (24 used)
eminence grise - a person who wields power or exerts influence behind the scenes
xeric - of, pertaining to, or adapted to a dry environment. In this case, it's the images that won't allow peace in a soldier's mind.
A contest entry
- your black & white needs a little bit of red... by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended November 26, 2008, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - AP X Factor: Round One [Auditions] by sideways hourglass.
650 points, ended January 1, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Comments Always Welcome
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
-
68
originality: 5/10
creativity/poetic devices: 5/10
mechanics: 10/10
balance of images/ideas: 7/10
personality/emotion: 7/10
line breaking/structure: 4/10
personal opinion: 5/10
title: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
focus: 5/5
cohesion: 5/5
diction: 3/5
syntax: 2/5
[extra credit] X Factor: 0/5
TOTAL: 68
-
79
originality: 6
creativity/poetic devices: 8
mechanics: 8
balance of images/ideas: 7
personality/emotion: 7
line breaking/structure: 8
personal opinion: 7
title: 5
rules followed: 5
focus: 5
cohesion: 5
diction: 4
syntax: 4
[extra credit] X Factor: 0
TOTAL POSSIBLE: 100
'complete with my name and, soon, blood type.'
I laughed when I read that bit (sick, I know), and I laughed even more when I saw the line after it. Irony.
This is a totally cliche topic, the most cliched on this website. But I really appreciated the way you gave it your own twist, for example, the vocabulary. Totally won me over.
-
72
originality: 6/10
creativity/poetic devices: 6/10
mechanics: 9/10
balance of images/ideas: 6/10
personality/emotion: 6/10
line breaking/structure: 8/10
personal opinion: 6/10
title: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
focus: 4/5
cohesion: 4/5
diction: 4/5
syntax: 3/5
[extra credit] X Factor: 0/5
TOTAL: 72
-
This reads more like a short story rather than a poem, but that's just my opinion. Fortunately, this contest isn't all about poetry though, so we'll see what will happen if you make it in. I think you would be very good at short stories. Anyway, you had some decent images. With more original ideas, you could do well in the contest.
" a xeric rhapsody that orchestrates my
thoughts and feelings"
I liked that, especially the word "xeric". I like poems with some vocabulary that challenges me.
-
Wow. This was an amazing poem. I love the imagery, and metaphors, its truly amazing. I also love the structure, its simple, but adds so much to the poem, makes the impact hit you harder.
I must say though, thank you for the definitions in your authors notes, it did help, i never would've known what those words meant.
Good luck in the contest
Devon
-
WOW!
You deserved that trophy, no doubt! I can't think of a better word for it other than 'wow' This is so amazing! I love it!
-
-
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment It's very much appreciated.
Ken
-
-
writes freedom across my arm is great too, its that sense of unloading the baggage
-
Abu Ghraib- what does this mean? i liked this there is that feeling of resent for cutting and the gulty thoughts that come afterwords the imagery is astunding and slitghly scary but so is the thought process of a cutter, i liked this the thoughts and feelings are well expressed take care
-
-
Abu Ghraib was the Iraqi prison where we totured prisoners. It was an allusion to the fact that the person was a soldier who had served and suffered in the current war. Hope that helps...
Ken
-
-
hmm, something that reminds me of my grandfather when he tells me stories of when he was in the war. Such memories no one should remember... Such emotion and yet brutal in it's own way. Thank you very much for sharing..
Angel
-
You been cranking out poems today. Congrat on the gold and placing in the contest. I wasn't sure wha to make of the poem. I was tryinging to figure out the meaning.
-
To answer your question; no, this is not journalistic at all, more like a stream of consciousness. When I said 'journal entry', I meant one of those, 'Dear diary, my boyfriend doesn't love me...' whining, and this is not that at all.
I love this piece, and everything about it, though I'm sorry to hear that there's personal experience contained herein. It breaks my heart that you ever had to go through this, but you took on the challenge I offered, and you have delivered on all counts. Your imagery is very potent indeed, and I lived the moment with you... This felt not like poetry, but a guttural cry ripped straight from the soul of someone who has obviously been in a great deal of pain; a true GFP write, penned without apologies, fear, or shame.
This is definitely the most uncliched poem I've ever read on this subject; you've connected with your audience, and not just those who have cut. I, for one, was stunned by the potency and quality of your language. I'll go as far as to say that this will most likely win gold. Well done, and thank you so much for gracing my humble contest with your brilliance.
-
Oops...the clappys...
-
Well Done...
Written like a stream of consciousness seeking a relief of streamed...coal-jet-black seems...for they say you can take a man out of the army but you can't take the army out of the man...and Abhu Griab...lives on for the undoing of others and that which should not have been done...a deep reflective write...startlingly post traumatic imagery within the razor blade/dog tag...
Well done. -
Beautiful poem. The imagery is really stunnning. It sounds pretty bitter and disspirited.
Just a question, do you get that word of the day thing from dictionary.com? I do, and the word today was eminence grise. So the title caught my attention. Maybe it's just random.
-
*sniff sniff*
Kay, I would absolutely sob my heart out if you ever actually died. I would miss you!!!
Anyway, the poem was wonderful. That raw desperate emotion that comes when we feel trapped, and everything is going wrong. You put it into a beautiful poem that was enough to make my heart feel as if I was right there with you. Well done!
But pleeeaase don't make it come true. Pretty please???
times a zillion billion million bagillion. Lots of love.
-
-
Not a chance dear... That's not me or anything like me. I'm an optimist and don't know how to stop trying.
It was written about a friend who never came back from the war... even though he returned. I was trying to capture his feelings and thoughts... I'll never know for sure... but if it touched you, then I guess i was successful
Ken
-
-
It did. All of your poems speak to me. You're just that good.
You had me worried for a sec, but I should have known that you're not the type. I'm certainly glad of that. I'm sorry about your friend. I hope that he finds some amount of piece after everything. I hope that you do, too.
-
-
-
Honest and very pretty. I like the imagery a lot. Nice write.
-
An Honest and very Raw piece you have penned on an emotional subject
Handled with dignity and compassion
Well done poet
Kudos
-
Oh!Gosh! This is such good writing.I wonder, why the title.Are you saying that this {cutting} makes the cutter an important person?I don't really understnad that part, but you wrote a poem which describes inner pain in a very graphic manner.
-
-
Hi Virginia...
No, the "person who influences behind the scene" is the pain he's feeling that drives him to find relief in the extreme. Perhaps, at the end, he finally did feel important - surely he felt he was in control. In truth, he was still being manipulated by his own pain... At least that was the intent of my message.
Thank you for the comment...
Ken
-
-
Potent & Visceral!
Oh my!
This is so intensely dramatic! The choice of words, timing, imagery & emotions of this are so vivid & deeply moving. I wasn't expecting this kind of write from you! 
This is most certainly not too journalistic! This pix is a bit too disturbing to me & I almost ran away. I'm glad I didn't, I would've missed a superbly penned write! I feel as if I'm right there with the subject of this poem as 'he' tells his story of death & dying! Oh my! I really need to go & rest now. This experience was quite enervating! 
-
I think for someone to have to find relief by cutting themselves, this is dead on. I don't do this, but I do understand it, and being a health professional, I empathize. I wish we as humans wouldnt have to resort to this type of bloodletting, no pun intended.
I think you've done a marvelous job portraying the emotions, and the all to familiar feeling of being trapped inside our miserable existences. Wonderfully written, very vivid imagery.
Well put together, gold surely.
Love always,
Jin
-
Stunning
This moved me completely. I know what it is to have those kinds of feelings - though I have never suffered through a war in a foreign land. You brought out imagery with stark reality. There is great energy and sadness in this poem. I am a reformed cutter and have scars all up and down my left arm, so this subject is not "new" to me.
"
The silver blade sparkles and then slowly writes
freedom across my arm…
The warm garnet liquid runs down my arm,
pooling in my hands.
This was the most stark and virile part of the poem for me.
Self mutilation is a strange disorder and almost impossible for most people to deal with. There is a quality of unreality in knowing someone can deliberately hurt themselves - yet to the cutter there is satisfaction in the act - a feeling of control. I will hurt me and that gives me power over those who would seek to hurt me. This is a truly savage and moving poem that should be read by everyone, thus giving them understanding of something beyond their ken.
Bravo, Poet!!
-
this is a truly sad piece that you've written. one that hits hard and not only tugs at the heart but yanks on its strings. the imagery is dark, painful and vivid. a very personnel one at that. this piece is powerful.. and I don't think that its "journalistic" by any means.
kat
Adding your comment:
1 - 27 of 27
