catharsis
I heard you crying
in bed
cradling you
like a womb-
the old men surrounding
act as toothless walls
yet you know
they can still inflict different pain
with natural questions
as if they sprouted
from the tongues
of fungi,
spores dosing the air
spilling like deer that flee
into your body
making you recite
recipes
and numeric codes
that run like staples through
your body
if I had you
I would arrange your bones
in the fireplace
like stacks of wood
to never leave you cold.
I'd sew you
into a blanket fit for three
and smother myself with it.
have you ever pondered the misconception of me:
why I cling to foxes
instead of hounds
why the pink egg in my mouth
has yet to lodge itself in my throat
and how
I stumble over coupled stairs
yet
no pearl
hit the ground quite like you
and didn't shatter
so why are you still alive
and glaring
with speckled eyes
that remind me of darker fruits
and spots on your back
that lay like violent puddles
misshapen
and uncomfortable
I miss the days when a look could define you;
now you live in stencils
and feed
twice a day
barely aware of your own hypocrisy
beating at the door
making me realize
the guileless tone in your voice
is just a mild echo
of what was really said
because
my peach
when I chewed your core
I found more than worms and fiber
yet left it all to the sun
the cracking of my back
now signaling the birds
to pick you apart
at their own discretion
Author notes
Aaron English - Message in a Bottle (Police Cover) - http://hypem.com/track/390177
In a list
A contest entry
- pineapple lumps; invite contest! ! ! by notorious.
1209 points, ended December 31, 2008, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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That was intense.
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Not much to say that hasn't already been said-- utterly beautiful. You have a way with ripping the emotion out of people. Top-notch stuff, JP (if I may call you that
)
I miss talking to you; hope you're good
Jeanette*~
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godddamn, jp. you always blow away the competition
!
pero, te amo mucho, y mucho mas del sol y mar; y, por eso, esta bien que tu ganas
meghie
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Outstanding...
Fresh metaphor after fresh metaphor simply hand-jives a veritable journey...the "staples that run through the body" darn that's high impact suturing...the " bending your bones in the fireplace with stacks of wood to never leave you cold" has such depth of consideration yet verges on the ritualistic/sadistic...the reference to "stumbling over coupled stairs" is awesome at compounding the lengths driven too and what they are driven by...such a subtle nuance...so many thrive within that my rambling appreciation would be longer than your catharsis...
...Outstanding...
Kudos
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So you chose the original prompt?
!
Message In a Bottle is one of those songs that make me feel like a happy camper.
Anyways...more relevantly.
"the old men surrounding
act as toothless walls"
Awesome use of 'toothless'...I love that imagery.
"yet you know
they can still inflict different pain
with natural questions"
I think 'yet' would sound better as 'though' to be "though you know"...what do you think?
'different' & 'natural' <==LOVE the jux
"have you ever pondered the misconception of me:
why I cling to foxes
instead of hounds
why the pink egg in my mouth
has yet to lodge itself in my throat
and how
I stumble over coupled stairs
yet
no pearl"
Beyooooooooooooootiful!
Ahhhh 'misconception', and I love that colon you use there; it feels so appropriate.
The Fox & the Hound anyone? (The Fox & the Roo=even cooler)
And 'pearl'...fucking unique.
I love your poems
because you have a shitload of imagery,
but it makes sense.
But not in an overly obvious way.
"I miss the days when a look could define you;
now you live in stencils
and feed
twice a day
barely aware of your own hypocrisy"
When you use punctuation, you use it so well (even though sometimes I'm like, "You can't use punctuation for your contest entry").
Man..."when a look could define you" <==that could describe PEOPLE just right there..."now you live in stencils" fucking slays me...
...My sister's puppy only gets fed twice a day.
LMAO.
Great use of 'hypocrisy'
'guileless' <==nice.
Echo...peach...core...god I love what you write.
Last 6 lines = shit, yes.
Thanks for enterrrrrring
and putting up with my messages in bottles
Jessica
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ily!
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I think this is one of your best - I especially liked the way you compared the subject to a pearl.
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peach? O.O
oh my god.
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making you recite
recipes
and numeric codes ...
I miss the days when a look could define you;
now you live in stencils
and feed
twice a day
barely aware of your own hypocrisy
beating at the door ...
WOW! i am speechless!!! good luck in the contest!!!
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well fuck, I shouldn't even bother entering.
This is amazing, as damn usual, if too personally familiar to look at for too long. You can alter someones perception/emotion with any one of of your poems.
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No girl, you are still entering.
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A Triumph
Wow, I do not know how to critique this because I feel this gem must have been created in the hidden corridors of your secret self. There is so many lovely metaphors but not too many that can actually strike me with a story. I feel pain, and sorrow, and love among many emotions. They are all delivered eloquently and artistically but with an underlying secret they are not willing to bestow upon the reader. How lovely that you can spill your most secret thoughts so gracefully without ever letting out the secret.
Blue~
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