I march across the onyx universe, I am the scrupulous
the ever vigilant, I am the phoenix in the blackhole,
fighting against infinity I am the stalwart of eternity,
My path ripens the sky of fires ancient and mighty.
I betide the darkest vistas casting down the nightmares
of Gaia and relegating light for the creatures of life,
You worshipped me as Thoth- as Sin- I regailed the evils
of man causing the baneful to be moonstruck and brought down, lunatics--
I invoke the waves with languages hoary as the winds themselves,
Sera de com yu swone tei, the neap tides the spring, those
in morning noon and night, all swoon and croon to my tongues delight,
I am the harbinger for natures kismet, a surrogate of the ethereal,
As my rake riles the universe, I scream in silence for lifes patronage.
Author notes
This may have an addendum, I need some readers opinions, can it be complete where it is at, to me, if I wrote more it would have been forced and Im one to go on gut reactions, but feel free to tear it apart if its necessary, i can take quite a beating after wrestling for 18 years, so bring it on.
Folks,
Thoth- Egyptian God
Sin- Babylonian God
Both of which were 'moon deities'
Lunatic- originally derived from people thought to be moonstruck and going crazy.
Ask if anything else is foreign to you.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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interesting...i liked the use of language and myth in your poem,but please forgive this,i don't really care for this poem.I liked that it had something different and new in it,the part with Sera de com yu swone tei,but aside from that,nothing. I think its because you just did too much,there was no feeling in it for me.It felt like you were trying to explain everything in your own piece and did too much. the phrase that comes to my mind when i read this, is "say it without saying it" if that makes sense.
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Thats fine, its a change from the constant barrage of affected kindness and sweetness, honesty is always appreciated. that sera de com yu swone is just a made up language. thanks for the read, when I get a computer again or next I can on public access I'll come check your stuff out.
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First of all...Please give me pointers on how to get your mass following of readers, as I have zero!
Secondly...I have nothing else to say but sweet as poem.
I pictured so many things with this poem that could be so many characters and characteristics of characters. Absolutely loved it. I think it's good where it's at. One of my favorites of yours.
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Thanks a lot for the comment lina! I always appreciate your viewing my works as you know me better than mostly anyone on here.
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A very, very strong piece of poetry!
I would only suggest three apostrophes in this piece with nature's, life's, and tongue's, as well as a slight typo with the word regaled. I'm a huge fan of explanations in authors' notes. Your notes are very helpful to me, since I know so little of Egyptian and Babylonian mythology. I know far more about Norse mythology.
This phrase fits in so well in a piece like this, even if I don't know what it means. Of course, I could Google it.
Sera de com yu swone tei
Overall, I loved every bit of this piece. It's always a breath of fresh air to read something that can stop and make me think.
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thanks a lot my friend, my computer has been down for some time here, when I have a more constant access I can assure you I will come and read some more of your work.
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I can relate to your computer being down.
Mine crashed, and went over a year without it, but I got another a couple of months ago.
Don
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this is very creative.
it flows nicely,
though some things confuse me:
i.e. - Sera de com yu swone tei
very well done otherwise
<3abbey -
a strong write
you should consider this contest
The Mysteries of Egypt by Bosiarbooger by bosiarbooger
http://allpoetry.com/contest/show/2432583
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This is very good ...
and I'm impressed. You have 3 errors, or this would be perfect. Here:
regailed (regaled)
tongues (tongue's)
natures (nature's)
All in all, this is very impressive. I have no idea what this means, however:
Sera de com yu swone tei
It's obviously a language with which I am not familiar, and should have an asterisk, and an explanation in the AN.
In any case, you are certainly improving with time, or your writing is at any rate.
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Interesting and unusual. Not what I expected, but a good read.
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You have a very creative writing scheme that i like, and your wisdom reflects brightly off of this page. Though i tend to lean more towards traditional rhyming poems, this one caught my eye and was very enjoyable. Well done.
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I was thinking this might have something to do with Mount Shasta and St. Germaine.
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interesting
Nice flow of words, very interesting poem. -
hey u have quite a nice nd intrstin writing scheme..i really lik da way u hav mixed up sum gud englisg wrds wid rhyme attachd a bit...I realy think u shd shd expand it as also includin da fine points of ur journey made r f sum incidence f imprtnce...
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Superb
I think it is a fine write, just as it is. You've expressed your thoughts quite clearly. Thanks for sharing this one.
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I think its fine the way it is but thats MHO. Fav part:
I invoke the waves with languages hoary as the winds themselves,
Sera de com yu swone tei, the neap tides the spring, those
in morning noon and night, all swoon and croon to my tongues delight,
this flows really well. well done wrestler!
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I love the references here, and how you weave them through one another as if completely effortlessly. This poem has a very natural rhythm to it, and it almost feels like it could be from a religious text from an ancient civilization of another planet.
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The imagery in this poem is fantastic. And I mean fan-fucking-tastic. Its rare to see a fantastical, in the true sense of the word (involving deep fantasy) poem that not only makes sense but speaks to the knowledge and intelligence of the writer as some of the references used here do. I give it a 9.5/10, a rare honor if you will since I rarely give any rating above a 9 and suggest that you don't change a god damn thing. Its excellent just the way it is.
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Thank my friend, its more than an honor to receive praise so high from you, as I respect your opinion very much.
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Nope. You forgot Baal.
He's gonna be upset with you.
Baal was supposed to have been Zeus, or Apollo. . .cannot remember which.
Wonderful fantastical feeling here, the galloping through space feeling I so love.
Excellent take, thank you for bringing s smile to my face.
Best wishes,
and love always,
jin -
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I'm glad you can appreciate the allusions, and yes I did forget Baal, this is a problem :/
Im also thrilled you enjoyed the piece, I really wasn't sure of it, haven't received any comments on it and was waiting for it to be battle tested so to speak.
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