Homecoming Crap-aign

The Panthers homecoming is just around the corner, and for the seventh year as a City College student, I’m not in the running for homecoming queen. Not a shocking development, I guess. I’m not exactly the stereotypical homecoming queen type; and if wearing a dress is part of the job description, you can count me out.

Still, I’ve seen the campaign posters, and candidates giving speeches during homecoming week. While I certainly wasn’t paying close attention to them, the fact that people go to such great lengths for the title of homecoming royalty suggests that those people wanted that lucrative title.

Provided there is no responsibility to being homecoming queen, I would run. Seeing that it’s too late to start the campaign, here’s a look at what might have been.

I wouldn’t be making any “I’m going to make the campus better” kinds of promises that are usually made during those homecoming week speeches. I’d just come out and say that I probably wouldn’t do a darned thing to make anything better. Not because I didn’t want to, but mainly because I’m lazy.

Then, like a typical politician, I would start making promises.

If I were elected homecoming queen, I’d be your best friend — provided you don’t expect me to hang out with you, bail you out of jail, help you with baby mama drama or do much of anything at all. Actually I would prefer you leave me the heck alone.

I also promise to give everyone a free puppy. The catch is that the puppy is a rare invisible breed, scientifically developed for this campaign. Limit one per customer.

This one is no joke; I promise not to use my supernatural powers to burn down the campus like Carrie.

I promise not to have any kind of scandals during my term. I’ll wait until it’s too late for anyone to do anything about it.

I promise to do something about those insane squirrels, because unwarranted backpack searches are inappropriate by any species.

I’m pretty much out of campaign promises at this point. I guess I’m back to not having any campaign responsibilities at all, but I’m guessing that’s the case with whoever’s named homecoming royalty as well.