a rusty spring wheel shall be the hub of a hanging galaxy
in my ever expanding universe.
tin can lids galvanized
into motion when dangled from centered holes
strung with beach-found clear fishing line
to unmatched tea spoons that twirl and glint
in the ambient light of reused suns.
Bees, flies, butterflies drawn to motion
and sparkle, flit about the developing mobile
and contemplate this new creation
constructed from refuse and time.
Author notes
Found art and creation metaphor
A contest entry
- The Beauty of Being Unfinished by Heart Sutra.
1100 points, ended November 30, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I love constructive critism, please indulge.
Comments
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Thank you for sharing this poem with the contest. You have asked for a constructive criticism, so I will share with you that it seems to be lack an element that draws in the emotions i.e. it needs a personal touch. There is a lot of metaphor and suggestion with imagery but there is not an emotion really to connect it too i.e. in other words I don't feel anything while reading it. Otherwise, you have a great sense of imagery and might want to pick only one or two images to work with, since it can be over powering to have too many in one poem.
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Very good. Great use of metaphor.
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