i.
in this hallucination that I called life,
I lie a drunken heartbroken cliched mess.
mascara running from one corner of my eye
to the tip of my less than perfect face. and
it's taking every ounce of me to stop the
bleeding... but its the only way you'll call
me beautiful
ii.
I tried to build us back up with my bones,
all I did was construct a mess.you're good
to me when I was only flesh. but now you're
a memory with nothing to show.
iii.
you gave me this little mindset thhat I'm not gorgeous
and that I'll break any mirror I come in contact
with because they all know I'm not perfect but
I'm not running from anyone but myself
iv.
Look at you, dying for attention
almost as if you're expecting some pretension of my love
Sorry I don't give away hearts for free.
v.
drink up beautiful.
i spiked your cup with angst and a heart attack,
cause i've got so much trapped because of you.
so i figured you might like some back.
vi.
I hear you whisper and the…
rumors stick to every finger
it’s like I’m drowning in the one
pointing back at me
vii.
I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all
Author notes
i'd say be so honest...i know it sucks and i can't help it...well i can but i'm trying here!
well... the title isnt permanate..but idk
sorry if some of it rhymed...
______________________________________________________
opt. 3
A contest entry
- And Then There Were None... by Memoirs of a Girl.
700 points, ended December 16, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - your black & white needs a little bit of red... by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended November 26, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything :] by Jasmine Rayne.
1200 points, ended December 2, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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There were some spacing errors, and also capitalization issues. Please go through and fix this.
The poem itself is brilliant, with the emotions and the wording. However, some of the lines are strangely broken up in ways that make no sense, and it throws the meter and flow of the poem off greatly. For example, I believe the third stanza would flow better like this:
"You gave me this little mindset that I'm not gorgeous
That I'll break any mirror I come in contact with
Because they all know I'm not perfect
But I'm not running from anyone but myself". This is, of course, just a suggestion.
Thanks for entering!
~Memoirs
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A very strong piece. I like the way you seem to go from sad and lying on the floor to basically saying "to heck with you".
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I love how you got stronger with every stanza of this poem. You really get the reader fired up at your antagonist. I wanted to laugh at the ending line. It was too great. :]
"iv.
Look at you, dying for attention
almost as if you're expecting some pretension of my love
Sorry I don't give away hearts for free.
v.
drink up beautiful.
i spiked your cup with angst "
Too perfect. I really liked where you went with this. I was expecting the normal teenage drama, but this held something original in it. :] Thanks a lot for entering.
Peace
-Lily♥ -
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thnx bunches hun
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Hello
What are you talking about? Of course it doesn't suck, since there is no room in my contest for sucky poetry
This is beautiful and heartwrenching, full of emotion and that brutal honesty that makes the reader go, 'hm'. Well done, and good luck to you!
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woo woo!!
this was kickass. -
i like it...... keep writing
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Wonderful
The songs this brings to mind are "Rachael" and "These Things" by She Wants Revenge.
Very nice.
<3
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Please spellcheck your poem, it is one of the rules.
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Hmmm I kind of missed where you took up the banner of the prompt... but that may be just me. The poem, however, is very rich in imagery and emotion... a really good write. Best of luck.
Ken
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I REALLY LIKED THIS!!! GOOD LUCK IN THE CONTEST!!!
Lillie
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great write,
thought splitting it into parts made it feel like a really journey and kinda like diary enteries, really moving. keep writing!
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This does not suck at all!!! This is soooo awesome. You had my from the very first line and kept me all the way through it! You seriously have so much depth and emotion in this piece, the first stanza probably being my favourite.
Great write, thanks for sharing! : -
The originality and language is impressive.
Part V, line 3 struck me as a little odd.
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i love it so emotional ...i love parts vi and vii they are awesome i love your wording through out the whole thing!!
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