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I'm Out of Here!

I don't think I signed up for this
And I think I want out.
These kids are just amazingly
driving me from this house.
I've tried to con, I've tried to plead,
but all to know avail.
The bigger boy is hitting while
the toddler only wails.
The dryer has finally cooled and I
have pulled out the burnt clothes.
"Hey drop that purse and move away!
My things! I need those!"
I have the phone, I'm calling now
and I don't much care who.
I need to get their parents home
and it had best be soon!


Author notes

Not really my best subject, humor. Hope I didn't fail too miserably.

A contest entry

Any expansion ideas?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Perception
    November 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oooo.. hehe.

    I really like being put in the moment. I had to check your age, that is how much you got me! Wow.

    Wonderful! You really captured the moment hehe


  • PinkPony
    November 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very good for making me believe you are a really truly baby sitter!

  • Topnotchsy
    November 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think you did a pretty solid job here, especially if humor is not (as you put it) your "best subject."

    The one line I felt really did not work too well was:

    "My things! I need those!"

    which felt a tad forced to me.

    Maybe consider taking that line in a totally different direction, something like:

    "and stop picking your nose"

    or something else a babysitter might be inclined to yell.

    Just my opinion so take it for what it's worth. Best of luck in the contest with it.


  • Jeremy0826 gold member
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    LOL! Gosh I know how you feel in this one!
    Well done and thanks for sharing this here.
    Good luck to you in this contest!




    Jeremy0826


  • yourbentangel
    November 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    HAHAHAHAHA, You crack me up D..... and I love ya for it!

  • Going Forever
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow, what a very hard time that you are dealing with here DeTavis. I don't know anything to revise you with here.

    Magikal Fairy Girl


  • Melodies
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love poems about baby sitters. Kids have such strong feelings about their sitters, both for and against. Mostly against, though, like how they feel about the school cafeteria. Your poem makes me smile because it is so much fun to read.

1 - 7 of 7