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The Paramita of Poetry

 

Our naked poetry across the floor
Has done it once again with brilliant flair:
The quill, the well, the ink, the other shore.

Unlike a muse you're worthy to adore;
I love to twirl verses in your hair! --
Our naked poetry across the floor.

For when my fingers look inside your drawer
I feel like Pablo in your playful stare:
The quill, the well, the ink, the other shore.

Our rolling, wine-bent tongues will always soar
As we adventure up the evening stair...
Our naked poetry across the floor.

Of all the vibrant patterns to explore
The rose of alchemy is best affair:
The quill, the well, the ink, the other shore.

We've worn the parchment through and lie here sore
But fleshed out poems expend with much to spare:
Our naked poetry across the floor:
The quill, the well, the ink, the other shore...

 

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Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • Night Hope gold member
    November 16
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    I definitely enjoyed your reference to Neruda in this penning, my Friend. I think he would be quite pleased to think that his work had inspired this piece, albeit in a small way. This is a magnificent poem overflowing with youthful vigor and your trademark humor, as well. Bravo, Maestro. Your words shall live on. And thank you, again, for the lovely rose, Julien.



  • arafura gold member
    November 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is very well written, With a classic 'olde worlde' flavor to it that is effective. Liked it!


  • dustytiger
    November 19, 2008

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    wow this is a really amazing piece of poetry, i don't think there are words to describe how much i enjoyed what you have written here honestly, it's one of the best pieces i have ever read, wow, best of luck in the contest


    • Victory Gin silver member
      November 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      That is quite a compliment. I am honored and humbled. Thank you!

      @};--,--


  • exceptforthis
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow, really well done, villanelles are tough and you chose beautiful lines to repeat that just keep sending images and meaning.

    this is probably my favourite stanza:
    Unlike a muse you're worthy to adore;
    I love to twirl verses in your hair! --
    Our naked poetry across the floor.

    strangely, this reminded me of the Odyssey, with "wine-bent tongues", twirled hair, muses, etc. but it was very subtly engaged, which is important (since we're modern, after all!)

    the last stanza was awkward for me, but i know it is by far the hardest. i think the lines sound too lengthy and the end words in the first too lines sound too forced. i think maybe if you used words with more syllables to end those lines instead of the abrupt "sore" and "spare" it would sound more natural. honestly though, this was admirably executed! bravo!

    • Victory Gin silver member
      November 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the compliment. I hadn't thought about the Odyssey but now that you bring it up I can easily see it. I think the language of symbols I use is deeply ingrained by now so all kinds of things beyond my comprehension sometimes show up with surprising effects.

      Very good critique. After composing the piece I also had reservations about the envoi but not necessarily for the same reasons... however, a feminine rhyme might be a good suggestion! I'll have to put a pen under my pillow tonight and sleep on it.

      @};--,--


  • cricketjeff gold member
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Beautifully constructed Villanelle, just the right weight to the refrains and nice progression all the way,

    Superb poetry


  • McRae by nature
    November 18, 2008

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    I absolutely love the way you repeated certain lines in this. It increased the pieces impact on the reader and really made for a rich read. Loved this.

    Carrie

    • Victory Gin silver member
      November 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I wanted to mention that the repeating lines are typical of this form of poetry. If you Google "Villanelle" you will find a wealth of information as well as other examples of this form. Thank you for reading and commenting.

  • Night Hope gold member
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I adore your words, Maestro. Ahhh, but when you mentioned Pablo, my knees went weak. No, I am not hitting on you. Proximity is required & besides, you're too far away & too far ahead of me, anyway, even if you are much younger than I. You are brilliant. I can only admire the singular star glowing so brightly in the sky, my Friend.


  • Amera gold member
    November 18, 2008

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    Your poetry is so damn good! This is brilliant! So tell me sir, if you strip me of my poetry and twirl your verses in my hair will you still respect me in the morning?

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • just mercedes gold member
    November 18, 2008
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    Great poetry, wonderful arrogance and certainty here, along with a stirring sensuality and warmth.

  • Suzanne Dia
    November 18, 2008

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    I needed a break from writing, and this was a fun break, I have to say. Who wouldn't love to feel like Pablo? The eternal lover, really, and I have a feeling Pablo fell in love more times even than I have (and will)

    love the playfulness of this


  • Grunts Girl gold member
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    'twirled verses in your hair'...

    i really adored this image.
    this was subtle and sensual
    and so very good!

1 - 20 of 20