A troubled country cries foul.
As misery eats the brain,
the madness cripples the heart.
The el train filled with victims,
all fallen to bleeding minds,
stumbles toward destiny.
Change in worn extremities,
clicking harmoniously,
lusts the breathing hole inside.
Rushing toward the fallen,
pitching to keep on the grind,
cash feeds anticipation.
Hiding in an alleyway,
feeding on adrenaline,
the black taped sink pipe crackles.
A society burning,
while blaming parents and god,
trade souls for soapy white rocks.
Author notes
This poem tries to convey a certain flow. Every line has 7 syllables and it is written gramatically (punctual poem). It tells a specific story. It, as well as many other poems I have written, is not trying to convey any opinions I have, just what I observe to be true. Any feedback or suggestions is always welcome, but unless it is a gramatical error (or spelling error) I will not change the way it is written.
A contest entry
- Excuses, Excuses, Excuses, WHATCHA GOT SOBER OR OTHERWISE by Disturbed Prodigy.
7000 points, ended December 5, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Your Heart Desires by Do You Feel.
550 points, ended December 27, 2008, 105 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
please tell me what you think it means, and what it makes you feel.
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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If your aim was to specify your poem to one particular event then this was not conveyed to me.
I felt that it was a mere taste of your distaste to current moralities and present concerns of society in the west.
However, I may be wrong - it is after all my only opinion. -
i would like to thank you for sharing this with me today. you did a good job writing it. i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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honestly a interesting write that bares truth to it, my friend, all i can say, is keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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nice, it looks like it took you awhile if it's 7 syllables. Because every line is great! good luck
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Poignant. I did a poem roughly about something similar, but in a totally different way.
I like this. It's nice and dark and conveys that heavy hopelessness very well. It was definitely not what I anticipated from the title, but I'd just forgotten that a simple title does not equate to a bad work. This is perfect proof. -
A contemporary piece on society's loming demise. That's what I get from it. Some of the lines are a mystery to me, "on the grind", the last line especially. Since you have no intention of accepting advice or critiques, I'll let the mystery be. You do sound young though
Best wishes.
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This is very good...I do not understand the ending, I interpreted it in my own way, but I think it's probably not what you meant. Please clarify?
. Rewarded 4
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Basically, see below.
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I enjoyed the way this was written. No senseless emotion, just as it is...Clever use of syllables. Bravo
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i adore contemporary and political poems!
and yes...we have to bear many nauseous excuses
this year...regarding our economy!
(i may have touched that last line with :
A whole society burning,
while blaming parents and god,
trading souls for viable and worthless stocks.
just me...I just couldn't figure out what the
white soapy rocks were?
ears/Seattle
loved your entry!
thankyou!
fearlessly revealing our economical
and personal "values" of nauseous
excuses.
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Great concept. Your poems confuse the shit out of me at times, but this is something, you know, I can relate to. Nice job.
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