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Bus Back To Cali (The Returning Sin Of David)

Reminiscing, I Guard you while In Slumber
Sprawled Warily Across livid white sheets
Egyptian cotton, and you were Pharaoh
Ruler of my lands and lustful historical memories

... And taken back to the present, more of a nightmare.
The woman bathing on the roof,
Or may I say the pretty girl on the bus
Back to Cali, with your phone dead,
No reason for charging.

Such moments of intimacy,
Between two believe star-crossed lovers
In Passer By moments, between past and future
Water in the rock, was peaceful
Held two pieces belonging
From tearing like flesh,
Like a vulture, picking bleached bone

His temple was my palace,
Coolest of marble floors
Obsidian Statues Unlimited
And worship, was no chore.
To breathe the Pharaoh's incense

...And letting the kisses of her mouth,
Deceive the mighty soldier,
And lies spilled like vomit,
to the young Mia Bella Principessa
Three moons and two suns
She opened Pandora's Box.

Deception, And the habit of his kiss
Transformed, she felt the sin
Once delightful on his tongue,
Now poison on fair maiden's lips divine.

Nevermore, for there stood the stars aligned
Of the new Mia Bella Principessa.

Author notes

Written to my ex. A man who gave my love up to a strange girl on a bus back to california.

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Robin Candor
    February 22

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    CHANGE THE FONT!!! I see that you have other readers who have screamed the same. When we are reading another's work we are trying to absorb your feelings, emotion, and intent. We should not struggle to read the words, that is a distraction. Beyond that I find this piece to echo something of Shakespeare and a few others in modern tones. You used many past analogies which is fine as long as you carry enough of your own. Most of them seemed borrowed or lent in this case. I feel your pain, but it cannot be the mirror of so many other writers. You lose originality by borrowing so many other writers and characters. Be yourself, I'll bet you are just as good. The loss of love and betrayl is a universal theme that can be played again and again. Just lose all the past writers in your own soul and make it yours without their presence. That would make this come alive. RC


  • Blue30
    February 19

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    good job

    This poem was opulent in its wording without being pretentious. The font is way too small though. Good job.


  • Viyanna Rosemarie silver member
    February 19
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    i am so sorry that your ex was such a numbskull. the beautiful write you have displayed is fantastic, however. i hope that you heal soon and that he gets what he deserves. thank you for sharing this with me today and i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie


  • Gagiikwe
    February 16

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    Coo. Bathed in acid.

    I needed a magnifying glass to read it! Font size change perhaps; in view of ancient readers?

    Your images are carefully drawn and well expressed. However, the mixed historical metaphor of Pharaoh, David, Bathsheba detracted. Mention of Pharaoh is inaccuate with reference to D&B. The first stanza, while good in itself clashes with the D&B motif that follows. Any way to re-write it to be consistent with the D&B theme? [The private rooms of David's palace were lined with aromatic cedar panels, lit with olive oil lamps, sorrounded by gardens; and he had hundreds of concubines]

    The use of capitals [though used deliberately it appears] in irregular places detracts considerably.

    Facts of D&B are very appropriate to this story of betrayal, and could have had more parallels drawn as grist for the poem.

    There are few greater sins than for someone with responsibility to be where they shouldn't, doing what they know to be wrong. But David's greater sin was the lying and the murder. And that sin followed him his whole life.

    Overall - worth the read.

  • Eusebius
    December 6, 2008
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    This is lush and very lovely, a tad arcane, but all to the good... I loved it a ton! bravo!!!


  • usually-untitled
    November 23, 2008

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    there's a lot going on here.
    the random capitalizations were... offputting, but i love the literary references.

  • StarGrrl
    November 19, 2008
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    WOW! This is a strong write. Can tell there is a lot of emotion in this. It sucks that your man did that, but he will realize in time that he gave up too much for that girl. Keep you head up. You are an amazing poet and from your poetry I see you are an amazing person as well.

    Your on my favorites. If you ever need to talk just send me a msg.


  • duana
    November 18, 2008

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    wow- very well written. I think you capture the essence of what forbidden love feels like- the dynamic both are caught up in- and you write about it in such an enchanting creative way. I love the illusions you have to King David and how you merge them into today's scene- it is like vividly seeing both the castle scene from that period and the contemporary scene at the same time of the girl on the bus to Cali reliving about her current situation. I am most amazed that this girl is not you- but the 'other women'- as this is so sentively, but wisely written about the deception that lies behind all this beautiful entoxicating illusion (rather than out of anger).

    I really enjoyed this write.

    Duana

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