Out of Step

Why does any one person take the paths they choose?
And if there is does that make anyone a bad person?
If the world I know falls down around me and my way to rebuild is to shut people out, is that so bad?
What about people I truly WANT to care for? Is it so horrible to hold them at arms length?
Every time I think I have life figured out, every time I see things a little brighter, every time I let people close the world flips on me. Essentially I get the nagging feeling of god laughing at me in some unknown place saying "See child, I can always make you lose step."
I'm then left in the unmistakable step-skip-step trying to fix my footing. So what if I leave life out of step, I'm not with the crowd, I'm not following orders, but I may trip the people in front of or behind me.
Even if I don't mean to trip these people I feel pain for them, cause too many times it's been that arrogant face behind me that tripped me.
Am I too callused from past, present, and avoidance of the future? Or am I shaped by events in life? I have said that events in my life are scars on my mind gruesome and raised... They are still there; I can still feel their tender ridge. With time the sides have gone numb on these scars; I can smile, be normal and only let who I trust to see.
But if I don't trust you can't see, and if you can see you can't take the proverbial three paces back when you see and deforming scar. You also can't peek when you think I'm not looking as if there's a severed appendage that I've managed to continue living without.
I pray that someday I can find someone soft enough to love me, but hard enough to force their way in. I won't do the forcing, no matter how much I like someone; to do the forcing is to admit vulnerability. I am thus suspended in an almost happy state, out of step, getting corrected, and yet caring about as much as a person on death row. They know they'll be there for years so why panic anytime soon? Why turn to God on your knees, to your family in tears, to anyone who will listen, when you can do it next week... month... year... eventually. Why not stay here closed inside yourself, letting them think you’re strong, letting them hope you’re innocent until the day they have to know? Why cause more pain when you have to power to stop it all.
Hmm... After all, I think I am the one who tripped.