the part beyond,
pursuit of ever after. what
goes on without you, what
will not come back
to the moment before
leaves become departure, loss.
still, tomorrow waits
foetal, a memory
in the chrysalis, adream.
is not partial. it is
the part beyond,
pursuit of ever after. what
goes on without you, what
will not come back
to the moment before
leaves become departure, loss.
still, tomorrow waits
foetal, a memory
in the chrysalis, adream.
the part beyond,
pursuit of ever after. what
goes on without you, what
will not come back
to the moment before
leaves become departure, loss.
still, tomorrow waits
foetal, a memory
in the chrysalis, adream.
Author notes
40 words
edits (3)
A contest entry
- first frost by AJ Morelli.
2700 points, ended December 7, 2008, 28 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critical suggestions are always welcome
Comments
1 - 60 of 60
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Thoroughly deserving of gold - especially the last two lines.
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What a fabulous gold win! Perfect!
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oh-- you cheated! (adream. . . hmmm) Glad you won.
of course, easily fixed . . . by moving the first word of the poem to the last word of your title . . . then you can space out the last TWO words . . .
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yes, I could.. but I rather like the poetic license of that stuck together word... lol because it's 'not proper'.
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After re-reading still very good!
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one-eyed smack tart in a cylinder bent on limb categories. a 40 drop worthy of non-fatal memories and handsome clasp rings. ~ EZB
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Hehe - I have the knack of picking em eh?
One more - I told you so!
More than well deserved. -
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this was gold from the start. Congratulations!!
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this is wonderful poetry and i simply love where you took the contest prompt. wonderful depth of thought here, but then, that is how i've come to know your poetry.
beautiful!
~ Nicolette
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I don't understand this poem. Not one bit.
Care to clear things up for me in the AN or comment? -
As always your words carry much more depth than the surface portrays. I have not read your poetry for some time, but the effectiveness of your creative might doesn't ever wane from within my mind.
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What a mindful of words to think about
In only 40 of them, you said a lot
Fantastic poem
Great work -
What poet said; "the end of all things comes before the beginning"?
I think it may have been me.
Your words are chalked full of bone-chilling realities. I'm with A.J.!
The abstract feel of these words make the poem more complicated than it really is. I feel you saying in a montone voice that life is a concise measure of balanced thought, behav ior, and existence...but then I am sure that I've read into your work what I wish it to be. LOL
Excellent! I wish you well in the challenge if it has yet to end.
Much Love Always ♥
Renee
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i love this... period
al -
*sigh*
but that chrysalis - far too snug most days eh?
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"is not partial. it is
the part beyond"
very sentimental, very nice -
Ah......
So much in a mere 40 words. This is an abstract...a piece that holds far more than the sum of the symbols used to convey the words to our eyes....it taps the universe.
Stars.
Tomorrow awaits -- always. And as long as it does, we shall dream. And today never waits upon we, its servitor, but hustles along...taking with it so many things that could be shared..but shall never be. Such is the brutality of knowing time...thinks I.
This is the sort of piece one can read over and over and into and into...fractal....and still never ever quite reach the center...because it branches differently depending upon the path taken. I have NO idea how you manage to do that
Is most good. And yes, beautifully written. -
Beautifully written. I like how it manages to say a lot with so few words, and it flows well. The pursuit of ever after...I'm still thinking of what that could imply.
I like how you chose "foetal". It's a more obscure spelling of "fetal", isn't it?
Love it.
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pursuit or pour suite ?
the part beyond,
pursuit of ever after.
winter leaves leaves' lose bare bearing, nevertheless, adream
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Oh my. My touchpad slip and hit the feature box by accident and I think, this is unusually good fo rthe feature box, then I see it is you Liza. Then I am just saying about American Thanksgiving and things to be thankful for, and thus thee is something presented right on the thought.
This poem is brittle like first frost. First frost is good though, it makes lines between past and present , yet promises a future that is in cryongenic stasis for now.
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Omg. This gave me chills and all within 40 words~
Curious why you repeated the what twice?
what
will not come back
It might be better if you just do
what goes on without you,
will not come back
But other then that I totally love this poem. Hits it hard on the nail!
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the pursuit of everafter. well that could mean many things. it could be the pursuit of happiness and love or it could be a feeling of sorts that you are overcome with after accomplishing a long time goal. what does love mean anyway, it means many things.. those things may be passion, trust or even for some it may mean lust.
just my take on those lines.. great job.. -
oh, that Title, bless your heart, it truly made me want to read this over and over and over. Thrice. If there is a word opposite poetaster, it would describe you. Surely, I think one of the things that makes this poem so strong and heavy--but not in a pejorative sense--is the amount of substance you seem to be able to pack into such brevity. you place this feeling above Everafter, and link to the sorrow of Indian Summer. Simply breathtaking. Only one thing I can offer: I feel that the line
"still tomorrow waits" would benefit from a little comma after "still". I think a little pause here would take the reader's breath away in an unrestrained and unrivaled sigh. Only a suggestion. Form and structure and flow are flawless. Don't change a thing. Cheers.
p.s. - never mind the guy below me... especially with the lines:
"the part beyond,
pursuit of ever after. what"
That dangling 'what' made me shiver with delight. You create poetry beyond its time.
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thank you..... first for an excellent comment, secondly for the suggestion of the comma, I completely agree and have added it there.
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Ooh, and it made me sigh too. I love it. I feel all rosy-cheeked. Again, brilliant poetry, flawless and beyond its time. Cheers.
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Extremely well done! I love the way this moves, the unusual line breaks keep the reader slightly off kelter, but it works!
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finally the words got back
what a shame about the comments slurped in the void
ha ha
wonder if they'll return to read
here you go
a bedtime story:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sle62XV0BO0&feature=related -
I love it
but I can't see the words
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Genius...so open to interpretation!
Popping by to say hi! Everything fantastic, as you already know. Would love to get an IM and hear how you're going. New house with no magic bathroom yet?
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In the light of the formal consideration and amazement expressed by the fellow poets I have decided to pay a microscopic drop in my hourglass of time and consider a well deserved comment:
I’m siderealised that no one has commented yet on the exquisite bibulousity of it. The intrinsic ambiguity of odd and pure, the moral layers flirting with the brutality of expression conceive a penetrative protuberating flow of style in the suprematist gesture of complete silence. The sacrosanct air of divine void compels to prayer and compiles allegoric chars of exhaling victory of nothing over everything; done of course with the innocent but firm childlike candor of the poet transcending the misery condition of asking why onto the exhilarating bliss of birthing spirit out of chaotic nothingness.
I am sure the honorable holder of this utterly fantastic contest will reward your excellency with the well deserved laurels of the victor.
I also hope you'll keep this modest apporte and recognitive testament close to your poetic heart.
taa taa -
brief.
concise.
easy on the environment.
most brilliant..of course
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I think it needs a little more editing...
I did see it before
you're right... entertaining
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Well there's an awful lot of space in this one for the Reader isn't there?
I woke up to snow squalls this morning. It makes looking outside like peering into a gray day snow-globe.
What can not go wrong? Mmmm. I'll be wondering.
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That Cat is crazy, she is! I don't get you at all!
I'd say this anti-poem is a killing frost...sort of like Robert Frost if he got really drunk and someone told him his poetry sucked....blind rage, which is really poor taste on my part since, I think, he was nearly blind late in life.
Lets experiment. I'll drink a 2 liter bottle of Moxie and then you tell me my comment sucks...ready...go... -
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Hmm, rather I think Frost would applaud her. Heck, he'd take this poet out drinking and then to bed... just maybe to absorb some of her talent through diffusion and some honest-to-God friction ( I digress ). But if you don't get her, that's okay. She'll keep on being wonderful despite the disbelief of a select few. Cheers.
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No hmmm necessary, It was just my poor humor, lol. I've read a lot of Liza's stuff, she knows I think she's excellent. My not "getting" her was a silly pun on Cat's comment, also on the fact that there is nothing here to "get" which, poor me, no one saw.
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Oho, playful banter! I did not see it. Cheers. Continue on
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LOLOL just reading the comments...
see how many people get you?
love,
M -
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of course she could say white poem on white background and declare it the end of poetry
like Malevich did with painting: http://www.moma.org/collection/browse_results.php?object_id=80385
her's is whiter of course
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so nothing can go wrong?
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blank space
has anyone noticed the lack of punctuation? -
abstract..minimalism at it's best, the blank field of white the ultimate metaphor.
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Artfullyme by the numbers:
Emoticons on this page: 3
emoticons by Artfullyme: 2
seconds before she gets annoyed with a cucumber: 1
(how does one become annoyed with a cucumber? Do they run around shaking it and saying, "Sir Ima, if you don't stop writing annoying comments I am going to hit you with this cucumber!"
See what happens when I don't have a poem here to tie my loose ends.
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I'm not sure you understand what editing means. To edit something you must first have something to edit.
But maybe I'm wrong, for I often begin with many words and then after editing out all the bad ones...I end up with none. And writing is the great travesty done to the pristine page...so...Well done, this is above the average of this site!
Right cannot go wrong. I think I read that in a fortune cookie...along with the one that read, "Hey you Mayne, you suck. Everyone hates you and your flat head ." I thought that seemed rather specific for a fortune cookie.
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if this were mine... i would put words in the blank space
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you think it needs that ??
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you rebel
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This is why I love to read your poetry. You capture lifetimes in a few lines. Keep it up.
If only we could freeze moments in time, we all would. This is spectacular.
Garrison
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I like the title
I woudln't name the departure
I'd start like that ...is not partial
don't know about the word circle
nah you're not
I'm rustier than thou
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Oh..... I like that idea, yes....
and .. I don't know about circle either, been toying with that, wondering if it should stay, go, or be something else..
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don't know about the whole end line
remember to brush your teeth before you go to bed...
yeah I know black humor, still it gets me there, in that sphere of common saying -
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exactly..
odds are it will change. .. unless I get stuck and can't find a solution.. -
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it's the type of poem that surfs on far-oriental seas
I'd read some haiku's
zen poems to find a solution
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rusty or not??? this thawed my mind and eased the need i have to turn to hibernation for the winter
please let me be this rusty and i shall be happy with the verdant growth on my bones
Liza, so glad to see you around these parts dear lady
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thank you good to be around... ! and good to see you too...
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i know...... and how things are, so let's find balance in all the chaos
the theory is..... see-saws go up and down
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