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The Wait


Endlessly she has waited
for the rain to stop it's intrusion
anticipating ever so impatiently
for the sun to make it's presence known

The time has come, the rain a retrospection
sunbeams cavorting gleefully
on droplets of prismatic water beginning to dry

She flounces out gleefully in denuded feet
to savor the dewiness of wet on wood
and to allow the sunshine to awaken her
blossoming, appreciative visage

 

Bless-ed be this beauteous day

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    November 22, 2008

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    Congratulations on the bronze trophy a beautifully descriptive piece, your images floated through my mind effortlessly.

    All the best...Sue


  • JinSays gold member
    November 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful.
    I think you've captured so much in these lines.
    I love the sadness in it's soft but definite way, you've created something to be proud of.
    Thank you for entering my contest,
    I am honored to have your talent displayed here.
    Love always,
    Jin


  • isabellacohen
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wonderful

    thanks for writing such a wonderful poem. This is such a gorgeous line: "She flounces out gleefully in denuded feet"

    Best wishes,
    isabella


  • mysticstorm gold member
    November 18, 2008

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    It is very soft and visual...love the flow and inspiration in the ending...a wonderful write of life and renewal that we all find in something...myself it is the rain that does it for me...
    nicely written...
    best to you,


  • Lowell Poe
    November 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This piece has just a nice tone and feel when read aloud.
    The end is so nice.....
    A poem of renewal
    love it gypsy...
    made me fell good.

    Blessings always,
    Lowell

  • davidwright silver member
    November 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    That'll do it. Let me know how you fare in the contest. Happy trails.

  • Tercarro
    November 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    More tweaking

    I think the changes are good and the rewording a great exercise for you. The comments from David Wright are great. keep trying and good luck.
    TC

    So endlessly she had waited
    for the rain to stop it's intrusion
    anticipating ever so impatiently
    for the sun to make it's essence known

    The time had come, the rain a retrospection
    sunbeams cavorting gleefully
    on droplets of prismatic water howbeit to dry

    She flounces out gleefully with denuded feet
    to feel the dewiness of wet on wood
    and to feel the sunshine awaken her
    blossoming, appreciative face



    Bless-ed be this day

  • davidwright silver member
    November 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    If this were my piece I would transpose the first stanza to read "She waited so long for the rain to stop its descent, patiently anticipating the sun to make its presence known.

    And the last two lines I might write to read " and the sunshine warm upon her up-turned grateful face. That's how I see it and this is only food for thought. Again good luck in the contest and do what is best for you. Happy trails.

  • davidwright silver member
    November 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I agree with the previous commentor it's a delightful story line but needs a little tweaking to make it soar. Good luck in the contest and happy trails.

  • Tercarro
    November 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This is good

    This is good but I would try not to use waiting and waited in the same stanza and feel and feel in the last stanza. Also, "to feel the wet of water", I don't think this flows so well but never the less the story line is beautiful.
    TC


  • Pisces rainbow gold member
    November 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    well done
    this is growth,
    I always say on rainy days, this too will pass
    and know that the sunshine will return
    love, love this
    extraordinary ability with imagery
    it is very uplifting, brought me a smile while reading
    lovely
    God bless you my friend...
    's

1 - 13 of 13