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Feel Guilty?

I see the pain you're in, I see how everything makes you feel.
I care so deeply about you that I don't always know what is real.
You're like a sister to me, I hate that I can't take your pain,
I hate that without it, you don't know who you are. You think nothing else remains.
So to know what you go through, I take the knife to my own skin,
I need to know how you feel when the blood oozes from within.
Do you really need to be alone? Are you afraid of someone caring?
I won't stop you from being you, problems are made for sharing.


You know my heart is torn apart with love and empathy for you,
Because despite my demeanour, things seem cleaner, now I see what you say is true.
Because I've felt the rush, I also need a push, and a reason to believe in me,
I've felt the touch when the bleed becomes too much...I have seen what it is you see.
I now offer my devotion, my heartfelt emotion, my everything you'll ever want me for,
And if I have it to give, you'll know I won't live if I know I can offer you more.
Whichever way it goes, I need you to know, whatever you are going through...
It's not for my health that I cut myself, It's cos I can't help you.

 

 

Author notes

The idea is to make someone else want to cut themselves...but the only way someone could ever make me want to do that was through frustration in helplessness, or anger.

In a list

A contest entry

Am I making you feel guilty..?

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • dukeshorts
    October 19

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    this is very emotional poem. i love the intensity you put into your writings. you clearly expressed your feelings of frusterations depression and a helpless. I hope all gets better for you and your friends.

  • reveller silver member
    September 11
    Edit | Reply

    Difficult

    subject and well written. I love the way you paint a picture with your words, even when it is a difficult and unique subject.

  • I love your writing

    and I can already tell that you will probably be my top favorite on here. I cut myself because it makes me feel alive...when most of the time I feel dead inside.


  • Exit-Stage-Right
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    Yowza!

    A little heavy on personal pronouns here!



    I - 23
    I've - 2
    Me - 3
    My - 7
    Myself - 1

    You - 23
    Your - 1
    You're - 2
    -------------
    62!

    The best way to help this piece will be to start implying some of the pronouns which are explicitly stated!

    Like the first few lines could be re-written thusly:

    To see the frightful pain you're in and know how bad you feel.
    To care so deeply for you, love, not knowing what is real.
    You're like a special sister and I long to take your pain,

    Using excessive pronouns is sort of an easy way out in poetry, but the reader usually knows who is being addressed and why, so the explicit references are often not needed. I'm not saying kill them altogether, but 60 pronouns in a piece of this short length... well... you get the picture!

    A good substitute for the pronouns is adjectives (as in 'frightful pain'.) Adjectives give the piece more color and flavor... They help accomplish what a lot of contest holders ask for when they say: "show, don't tell".

    Keep on writin'!

    Jim


  • Raining Kisses silver member
    December 27, 2008

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    OOH POWERFUL STUFF EVEN BY YOUR HIGH STANDARDS, THIS IS EXTREEMLY EVOCATIVE, AND AS USUAL A PERFECT SMOOTH AND GRITTY FLOW, THAT IS YOUR KEY SIGNATURE


  • BlackBloodyRose
    December 11, 2008

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    oo...i like this..i've never read a poem on this subject before and i like the originality


  • dancer90
    December 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hm...interesting.
    Ultimate form of empathy
    Somewhat like a letter/note
    But still well written

    Be careful hun and take care


  • Fritz O skennick gold member
    December 4, 2008

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    Fantastic!!!

    Compelling narrative that was heartfelt, pleading & made for an enthralling read throughout...
    Keep up the good work...
    Well done!!!


  • Katherine Holden
    November 23, 2008

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    Omg i almost started crying. that is true friendship! that reminds me of my best friend and i. Gosh this was absolutely beautiful and heart felt! Wow!


  • DinkyDiver gold member
    November 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ooohhhh this is excellent T!! :-D truelly brill and definitly true as a friend of mine wanted to try to do it before to see what it is how it feels...luckily they didnt get into the cycle though phew...

1 - 10 of 10