i.
he's had too many
tomatoes
in his life - - -
sagging flesh
conceals the secrets
that come out
in gritty sounds
forming words
through thin lips.
cigarettes dangle
from fingertips,
yellowed with age
and jaundice.
we purge poetry together,
faces flushed
with the expanding tunnels
under our skins -
an encounter
of the 70's variety.
hippie circles mar floorboards,
sentences tumbling
between the denim of our jeans
while he utters freedom -
eyes clouded with memories
of jungles and stakes, smeared with filth
that pierce feet, rendering the soul septic.
ii.
I want to dissect his spirit - -
run my fingers
through his ideology -
this is the man
who trades philosophies
like cards, pins
ashes to his chest
and only shows his age
when he's not smiling.
iii.
lullabies, thick
as dipsomania,
weave across our cheeks;
the eagle man,
fleshed out before the sun.
iv.
he will dry,
yellow skin shrivelling
under music notes
and hanging onto the clouds.
the day he gives himself
over to the ocean,
we will stand
fingers pulling commas
from tear ducts
and saluting to the sky - -
hoping
he swims far enough
that the mother
cannot throw him back.
Author notes
Prompt number four.
This is dedicated to the man I met for the first time last night. It was very enlightening. He'll never read it... but I just wanted to put it up.
AN: color me silent
In a list
- Silver • next in list
- exceptional poems ∞ • next in list
- Gold • next in list
- My Favorite Writes By Other AP Wordartists • next in list
A contest entry
- 7 Days 7 Prompts by stargazer..
750 points, ended January 3, 23 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Portrait Poetry - Male by Polaja.
1750 points, ended December 16, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - An EASY Pre-Write Contest, For Once. by AboveApathy.
700 points, ended December 16, 2008, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
kind but constructive criticism please.
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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niceee. i likedd it alot.
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I love it when I find words inspired by new and random encounters with people. This is the stuff I thrive on. You've created a really cool mood here, love the denim on wood floors..hippie circles.
The way poetry falls... very nice, too. Interesting and original image (at least to me)
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from the first line, i was captivated. after that, i think i was holding my breath and only realised mid-way so i breathed out, except it almost came out as a gasp. this was just woah. ohmygoshies. this is just crazy..i love it. everything here is just amazing. i am running out of adjectivs to describe this- how do you say one-of-the-best-pieces-i-have-ever-read-and-instantly-fallen-in-love-with?
you are such a talented girl. congratulations on the gold and the silvers. you deserve them all!!!
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it's...old seeming,different,
exelent.
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It's amazingly well done. You know how to leave a person with a loss of words. it takes a lot to do that. SO much talent.
Very well done. -
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Thank you so much.
I'm flattered, really.
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WOw this poem actually made me speechless
Great Job
I send my congrats -
"in gritty sounds
forming words
through thin lips."
"hippie circles mar floorboards,
sentences tumbling ."
all these words are so beautiful.. i love the imagrey and expression that is so beautifully shown throug out this poem
it was compelling and breath takinging im glad i stumbled onto your page...
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Thank you.
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this is amazing
sure you've heard it over and over again, but you have so much talent...
keep writing -
I know I have already commented on this, but DAMN this is has potent mojo!
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Wow this is really neat. I love how you pursued writing this piece. It's really done quite well. I love the first section.
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excellent
wow very deep, great poem
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I cannot believe that I haven't read you before -
your writing really is quite well done.
This piece speaks volumes -
Fuck yeah - mazel tov!
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lol, thanks!
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i like the way you group the parts. you don't see it that often- i like it.
beside that,
WOW.
you are an extremely talented writer-
sorry about the lazy comment, but you should just know how in awe I am.
love
wesley.
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Thank you for the comment and the silver.
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Thank you for entering my contest with this poem this is fabulous - you have captured so much of him in this write and it gives the reader a brilliant snapshot I really liked the part about pinning ashes to his chest the best!
Keep writing
Polly
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wow...this is absolutely amazing...omg, i could read this over and over. I love your descriptions...and my god your only 17?? what talent!
great write...very captivating!
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For some reason, I have come across this piece about twenty times and never commented. However, I have read it over so many times - and it never fails to amaze me. This is truly brilliant writing. The beginning really drew me in.
"cigarettes dangle
from fingertips,
yellowed with age
and jaundice." - I love this part because it's almost unexpected. The way you write is just very beautiful - and this part is very raw. Wonderful.
Good luck in the contests, you deserve something. Really.
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sometimes the best poetry comes from chance encounters, colorful characters and the
delightful moments we pluck as poets and get to own because we found them first and called them by name
poem, story, memory,.. snippet.. you found the poetry in this bit..in this encounter
and you did a wonderful job in the retelling
m
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so yeah, this is amazing and a half... "run my fingers thorugh his ideology"
♥♥
-dh -
wow
this poem features some of the strongest imagery I have ever seen
this was an excellent poem and i wish you well in both of the contests you've entered. with you a poem like this, you should get something
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Ha... you are an intense individual using imagery like Burrows or some-one.LOL
You wrote all of this after meeting someone once implies your immagination and perception very powerful. Good write
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Now this is powerful. I love the sort of 'in-your-face' imagery. I also love how you separated the poem into parts.
It's like this is a photograph just found again after many years.
Bookmarking.
~Cassie
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this is the most captivating poem i have read in a long time.
it is easy to forget where i am when i read this.
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Oh wow... thank you so much for the comment as well as the fav. I'm glad you liked it so much!!
♣ Tegan
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This is perfect.
I don't think Polly
will think I'm the best at portrait poetry
after reading this.
This is unbelievably good.
I'm bookmarking
;
Jessica
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sheer brilliance - "I want to dissect his spirit - -
run my fingers
through his ideology -
this is the man
who trades philosophies
like cards, pins
ashes to his chest
and only shows his age
when he's not smiling."
Kudos
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Gotta comment here, but will read this again and bookmark! There are some people that have wisdom all their own, earned from the years spent just living and making it through. I can see this guy, hard life, the crows feet, still smiling, realizing where he is, still free to choose. Hope you bought him a beer!
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There is a very blunt and raw tone to your poems, almost as if you insist on making the very disgusting beautiful.
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Damn nice poem, and I'm sure that if he did read it he'd love it. By the way, lol, who did you meet?
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His name is Kenny, he's in his 70's or so and this old hippie that Billy, Jodi, the gang and myself hung out with and had a few beers with on Saturday. This guy is so amazing... he fought in Vietnam and was probably one of the wisest people I've ever met.
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i absolutely loved the last section
loved it
i dont usually say wow.. i hate that word
but pulling commas from tear ducts and saluting the sky -- been there and never thought to put it like that.
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