we went so fast
it felt so good
to bad we didnt know
all we had bypassed
you put in
i put in
what a fatal daze we were in
let love alone
leave lust to us
no one ever said how fast lust could rust
so sweet
too innocent
but official,it's never been
if only we had landed sooner
we probably would have noticed
that we were never riding together
we were always standing alone
A contest entry
- Time Flies When You're Falling by Randomly Beautiful.
400 points, ended November 19, 2008, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Emotion by DemonicChanel420.
500 points, ended November 24, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me feeling by Cant force beloved.
700 points, ended December 10, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Melissa Gayle.
1000 points, ended December 15, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - big bang prewrites only contest by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended January 5, 124 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For your best PW! by Reanna Eryn.
550 points, ended March 16, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
how did you like it?
Comments
-
Beautiful. It could have a little re-doing, but beautiful.
Good luck in the contest!
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I can understand the sentiment of the piece - at the same time, it needs a bit more imagery and substance to it.
Stanza two, each line ends with in, it becomes repetitive.
And aside from the rhyme, which doesn't work here I think - you have a foundation, I really feel that this could benefit with some redoing.
You have the emotion down though -
"no one ever said how fast lust could rust"
whoa, that is a tongue twister !
lol I love it ! It was very creative, it flowed well, and just all around great ! Good job and good luck!
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This was a beautiful poem, I love the flow, it was brilliant! Good luck in the contest!
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