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There should have been 5;


you built a cocoon
around my senses-
it was metres thick.



i didn't really care much
for blushed cheeks
or emotive eyes,

but you continued to paint me
day after day.



the numbness grew on me.
ocassionally it would prick
the back of my eyes-

i didn't know why.


Author notes

it's like,
you can't feel anything. or understand anything.
without senses..

lol i'm not actually sure how much sense this makes.

x

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • xeroabyss II
    December 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Sounds like the overwhelming, enibriation of adoration.


  • Aussie Gypsy gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh yeah it makes sense, without questions. I love this take on the senses you capture something brilliant here. Best to you in the contest


  • ItaloEtkin
    December 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    great

    i loved the ending


    great imagery

    "the numbness grew on me"

    THAT really caught me and made me read it a couple more times

    good job


  • Exodus gold member
    November 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Seems I'm on the road to finding another favourite. This is wonderful. I love how you combine the simple and the complex so well. But then I always have loved this style of writing. Good luck!


  • Grey Mouser
    November 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very nicely written, a questioning of intention that the hidden side finds disturbing. Knowing there is another way of doing. Many thanks for entering into the contest.
    Be well and be blessed,
    Mouser


  • internal heights
    November 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow these last two writes were fantastic. I don't even know exactly what it is about them but you seem to just fit so much creativity in your minimalist style. You don't go overkill on things you have this sense of exactly how much to write. COol cool cool.


  • Death of the Author
    November 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    There are actually a lot more than 5 sense, balance for example. I'm not sure how many in total, but QI said there were lots

    Love your stuff.
    I can't quite put my finger on why. Sometimes I just find new writers and fall in love with a style...

    You certainly have a good one

    Good luck


    • Mattface
      November 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      QI never lies.

    • ElectricBloom
      November 16, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      How are you always so quick to comment :|

      and why are you such a smartie pants >.>
      lol i could change the title to something like "There should have been 5 - alteast that's what YOU might think but there actually should be more than 5" something crazy. i'm sure it would attract abit of attention ^.^

      thanks for the comment =]


      • Death of the Author
        November 16, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        it's all useless knowledge really. somehow that title doesn't quite have the same ring, I'm not sure why...

1 - 13 of 13