As I lay numb with pain,
I hear you laugh faintly in the distance.
Your footsteps come closer
and you kneel down by my body covered in blood.
I feel your breath upon my cheek as you
whisper in my ear,
"How do you like me now? I know you want more.
I know this is enjoyable. It is for me."
I feel the cold metal blade pressed against
my skin for yet another wound.
I feel my skin tear, the warm blood
flowing out of me as I scream in horror.
Your coarse hands make their way around my neck.
Building pressure cuts off oxygen as
I squirm in your grip.
You let go and I fall limp
on the ground.
Once again you take your dagger
and place it on my throat.
With pressure being added to the blade
you whisper to me once more,
"I love you my dear Annebelle, now good bye"
A contest entry
- Emo's endless tears by xXtired-of-cryingXx.
400 points, ended November 30, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Melissa Gayle.
800 points, ended December 10, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Misfits Enter Here ~ If You Dare by nichtmich.
1750 points, ended December 19, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Broken Entrails by failure in life.
400 points, ended May 3, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Let darkness bleed from the very orifices of your muse. by CentrifugalCorpse.
650 points, ended August 17, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Some areas sound a tad awkward and I would consider revision in those spots, such as:
"With pressure being added to the blade"
Fix(?)
"With pressure building on the blade"
Scary piece though, which is what I was looking for.
Good luck in the contest & thanks for entering!
En sielua
-
I would capitalize the "I" in the first line since you have capitalized the rest of them.
I also believe that you have a lot of 'filler' words here that are unneeded, they just seem excessive and the piece flows smoother without them.
The only other thing is that I would have liked to see a bit more imagery in it, you have told me quite a lot and didn't leave much for me to 'figure out' on my own.
While the subject matter is not something that I really enjoy - I do feel that your emotion is well done. I feel almost helpless reading it -
Excellent Write
This is an excellent poem you have a real talent for writing and you should always keep it up, you portray the fear in this poem brilliantly, and I know I don’t comment a lot on this site but I rarely say that poems are excellent but you deserve it great write.
On a second note I have also read a few of your other poem and noticed you don’t use rhyming schemes in them if you write one let me know I would like to read it
unfortunatly I am very bad at using this site so due to that fact I cant give you any more points sorry, you deserve them.
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