Narrowing down the cause of sleep,
down the somber passage to disquieting dreams,
I hear the crunches of the clock
eating away at me.
Whitewashed figures drag the hands;
delving that sound into my eardrums
as needle sensations fill its arms
to fall them to sleep.
Used as salad forks to dig in the hollows,
shoving me through its teeth,
blacktopped with cavities,
from where I look on.
Drown these holes with acetone,
and strip away that last part of time
for as long as it allows.
These infinite eyes of irritation will veil
this dead water sea of nothing real.
My friends,
they're existing now
just inside this storage cell,
so what’s the point of time
if it wasn’t counting down?
Never mind the vandals
and their mind expanding chemicals,
because I’ve made home
beneath the enamel.
A contest entry
- The Dark Call Has Sounded. Can you take it? by SheWasPreternatural.
1500 points, ended December 30, 2008, 22 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ,words disappear .words once so clear by Kirs.
725 points, ended December 25, 2008, 21 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - seven super prompts to select from. by sharptooth.
550 points, ended January 13, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING GOES by VerminVomit.
1300 points, ended March 9, 146 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
Wow, I can certainly see why this has so many trophies!! I write to be proud of, my friend!
Thankyou so much for entering this piece, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
Maria
-
holy shit, thats amazing
its the best poem in the contest so far
the imagery is stunning and relavent to the stuff your talking about
not many people can talk about mouths and teeth like this
thanks so much for entering
(you can probably expect a trophy after the contest ends) -
-
Sweet, I haven’t got a comment on this in quite a while! Sorry, my page has been so inactive recently; I’ve come down with a bad case of chest pains, and I haven’t even found the time to add a writer’s note. Again, I really appreciate your comments, and I hope it does well in your contest!
- Matt (Doldrums The Abstract Poet)
-
-
I LOVE the imagery in this -- AMAZING
Great job, good luck in this contest.
thanks for entering
-
-
Thanks for reading; I always enjoy hearing positive commentary.
-
-
...firstly you get instantaneous credit because you are the last poem in this contest that I have to judge...and this contest has been going on for a loooooooong time...
...is this an lunatic asylum? It's just the affect I get with men in white dragging people by the head and the way this person slowly loses perception of the little reality they ever had...insanely metaphorical and nice flarey structure...I'm sure this was hard work for you to write...
Oliver
-
This is an interestingly vague piece of poetry. I fell like each stanza was a putting down of thoughts instead of a flowing piece of art, but I still liked it. I thought it was a nice read, and did enjoy the structure. Excellent write and good luck in my contest.
-
i'm impressed, indeeeed. this was a great take on the prompt "time." the images and word choices combined to make this a very unique sort of poem. & quite enjoyable to read.
"Narrowing down the cause of sleep,
down the somber passage to disquieting dreams,
I hear the crunches of the clock
eating away at me.
that first stanza definitely enticed me to read on and the rest held my attention. & i love the point you made about what's the point of time if it's not counting down.
i also like the scattered dentistry images like the cavities and enamel and such. it was unusual but in that good way. haha.
anyyyway
thanks so much for entering
hope you enjoyed participating
and best of luck in the contest!
-
Wonderful
Creativity at its finest, I can't find anything familiar about this poem. It is so new, unique, (in the most capable sense of the word) and I'm so glad you've entered my contest.
"Drown these holes with acetone,
and strip away that last part of time
for as long as it allows.
Infinite eyes of irritation will veil
this dead water sea of nothing real."
I wasn't prepared for this, but am entirely curious about any previous poems that are unpunctuated. You're emotion, I've yet to discover.
-
this was tangible- very deep, dark, and cynically twisted. Loved it
. i do belive you've just made my finalist list. This piece unfurled so vividly for me. "You're existing now;
Just in this storage cell.
So what’s the point of time
if it wasn’t counting down?" - I think that was your strongest verse. Stunning and Immaculate and any other praise i could offer i give to you. Keep it up. -T
-
I get the feeling you are inducing sleep in some way. Maybe a slight bit of insomnia and nerves on edge add to the intensity of this piece of poetry.
A very good write with great imagery leaving much to ponder
-
i love this poem, nice write, thanks for your entery
-
Great wording and images! So unusual and unique. So many I like, so many vivid pictures you've painted. I especially like,
'Whitewashed figures drag the hands;
delving that sound into my eardrums
as needle sensations fill its arms
to fall them to sleep.
Used as salad forks to dig in the hollows,
shoving me through its teeth,
blacktopped with cavities,
from where I look on.'
although the rest was excellent, too!
best wishes in the contest
-
Oh i loved this. Nicely written,and it convays emotions well. I liked reading this one a lot. Usually rhyme annoys me (when its without emotion),but this was really good. Good luck with the contest!
-
-
Thanks, I have a very unconventional methodology when it comes to rhyme. I’m very selective and don’t utilize a lot of repetitious suffixes. Although, my friend thinks there’s too much (ing*) in the beginning lol. Thanks for your comment, I’ve been too sleep deprived to write an author’s note. The entire poem is just about how time is against you. I wrote it after of a friend of mine was incarcerated. The title refers to being caged, almost like an animal. I hope it does well in your contest, and thanks again for reading my first punctuated poem.
-
-
WOW
This write was amazingly written I know these feelings !!! Thanks for entering
-
Good luck in the contest! I really like what I see here, it's so full of imagery and meaning. I think the thing I like most about it though is the way that it plays with words.. spinning them around and giving them extra meaning. Only a skilled poet can perform such a feat with such skill. I am amazed at your word play. Congrats on crafting such a wonderful poem to read, I highly enjoyed it
-
Love the imagery... i really like the last line
-
alot of beautiful imagery
overall a great poem
good luck in the contest.
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
