She appears mad, at midnight
Searches for the whole chamber
"There is nothing what
I need"
Overthrowed drawer, a mite
does not exist
Plants come in her sight
Out of windows with light
So transparent
Nearly make torment
A contest entry
- & all the pretty flowers in the dust ♥ by Immortal Obscurity.
400 points, ended December 4, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
This is an interesting concept; however, I'd like to see a little more detail. I like short poems, but this one wasn't as detailed as I had been hoping for. If your message or subject-matter isn't obvious, I suggest adding a note to your ANs.
If nothing else you have a decent vocabulary. Thanks for entering & good luck
-
The fact that this began life as a poem written in Chinese does help me understand it a little better, though I am still not entirely sure I completely get it. I think there is some good imagery in here, but I have to try and read between the words to see it. I would say there are indeed a few kinks that could stand to be worked out of this, as you suggested. I am not sure how to advise you in that regard at first glance, but I will give it my best shot. The first step in that process, I think, is to paraphrase your lines and then ask you to clarify how they should be interpreted (which is ambiguous in places). I will take it line by line:
She appears mad, at midnight
"Mad" can either mean angry or crazy, or both. "She appears mad," then, could either mean that she looks like
she has gone insane (which can be another way of saying that she looks angry to the point of being completely out of control), or else that she looks angry.
Searches for the whole chamber
I think you mean "Searches the whole chamber." My impression is that she knows where the chamber itself is, and is searching within it for something she wants to find. As it is written, this line says that she cannot find "the whole chamber," and is looking for it. Is the "chamber" a bedroom she is standing in, or does "chamber" refer to the interior of the drawer she is searching? I am pretty sure you mean the room, but I want to be sure.
"There is nothing what I need"
This line needs work, because I don't understand it. With proper grammar, it would read, "There is nothing that I need;" which is not something people tend to say. Those words paraphrase as "I don't need anything," or perhaps "I have everything I need;" but I don't think that's what "she" is trying to say. I think what she means to say is maybe that she can't find what she is looking for in the drawer, or maybe that what she needs isn't in the drawer, or perhaps that she doesn't need anything in the drawer. That last option could be written with nearly the same words you have used here: "There is nothing I need in here." One way or another, I think you need to make it more clear where this "nothing" is located.
Overthrowed drawer, a mite does not exist
This line is confusing, too, because the way it is written, it reads like two unconnected statements. I think I get what you are saying, though. It looks like you are trying to say that the drawer is so full of stuff that it is overflowing, and nothing else could possibly fit into it - not even something very small, like a mite.
Firstly, I think you mean "Overflowed drawer, since an over-thrown drawer would mean a drawer that has been hurled through the air too far. Am I right?
Secondly, "a mite does not exist" is hard to understand, because the words themselves could be interpreted the same way as "no mites exist," or "mites do not exist." Based on the fact that you put those words in the same line with what seems like an statement that the drawer is very full, my best guess at what you are going for with this line would be something like, "The drawer overflows; not even a mite could fit inside." I am certainly not suggesting that you use the words I just wrote as a line in this poem, because they sound awful; do they mean the right thing, though?
Plants come in her sight
It sounds like you are saying that she sees some plants. Maybe "Plants enter her sight?" I think you need to give the reader a hint about where the plants are coming from, and what it means that she is seeing them. If the meaning is meant to be abstract or mysterious, then you could probably just change "come in" to "enter," or some other word that means "appear."
Out of windows with light
I think you are saying with this line and the one above it that she sees some plants in a lighted window. If that is correct, "windows with light" is proper English, but it would be a little less awkward if you used something like "full of" instead of "with":
"Plants enter her sight
from windows filled with light" ("windows full of light?")
or maybe
"Plants enter her sight
from windows lit bright" (which should really be "lit brightly, but I think you'd get away with it.
So transparent
Is it the windows that are transparent? Is it the light that is transparent? Either choice would make much more sense than transparent plants, which is what your lines most readily say. Need to make it more clear what you mean.
Are the windows really a metaphor for her eyes?
Nearly make torment
What nearly makes torment: the windows, the plants, the light, or the whole situation? Can you explain what you mean here? Also, though "torment" and "transparent" do technically rhyme, the difference in the number of syllables makes the rhyme sound sort of forced.
Anyway, I hope I've not discouraged you, because you almost certainly have something to work with here. I'll be happy to give you some more useful advice if you can help me interpret your poem's images. What are the most important images and ideas you are trying to get across here, and what do they mean to you? Once we have that out of the way, we can get down to business.
I have never reviewed a translation of a poem from a foreign language I can't speak. It is an interesting challenge. Hope this is helpful.
Best,
Morgan
Adding your comment:
