Like a train upon a single track
I knew my destination
the moment that I said “I do”
and we pulled from the station.
Life gathered speed as we journeyed on:
children, home, careers,
but our shared dreams never faltered
as we traveled through the years.
Still, the passion of the early years
gave way to daily needs.
The promises that we made
never bore fruit from those seeds.
I don’t remember where or when
the tracks split far apart.
I continued straight ahead
and you veered off with your heart.
I continue, day by day,
as I move on without you.
I often stop to wonder
if I’m moving from or going to.
I am left to travel on
though I’m now alone, it seems.
I wonder now, as I journey on...
will I ever reach my dreams?
Author notes
Round 2 - You're making me work too hard 
but thanks for the challenge 
Prompt: Picture
Picture Credit: http://aisii.deviantart.com/art/Runnaway-Bride-103584614
No less than 20 lines; no more than 50.
A contest entry
- Different Prompts... Different People.... INVITE ONLY! #2..... by Angelflower.
700 points, ended December 11, 2008, 24 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Comments Always Welcome
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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ok you have me crying now.. god this really hit home, such a wonderful write.. It pulled so hard on my heart. Thank you very much for sharing this... I needed to read something like this.. Best of luck in the contest.
Angel
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Great write comparing a relationship to tracks. Sad this happens all to often. I feel the pain whether it is a love one walking away or dying we are left to wonder about the wheres and whys and if I had done this or that. I hope it was just an inspirational write and not true.
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Pure fantasy... well, maybe not pure
but we have all had parallels in our life.
Thank you for a thoughtful comment and for taking the time to read my words.
I truely appreciate it.
Ken
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A wonderful heart felt write you have penned with this image.
Your words spoke of the fondness of memories and the future looking bleak as your life ventures on
Best wishes and good luck
Julie
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Great picture to match the poem.The first two stanzas are particularly strong. I think it's done! Good poem.
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Thank you for the comment... I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment...
Ken
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I think so many will be able to relate to this! The daily grind gets in the way of the romance and the track splits... such a shame!
Great rhyme and flow here!
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This poem seems excellent for the prompt until the last two verses when the flow derails. (forgive the railway humor). Your rhythm and meter simply fall apart and your conclusion is lost. Seems to me tracks coming together in the distance would be more symbolic of reconciliation than dreams unrealized and you might try to work that in, or going with your theme of unrealized dreams.
Perhaps in this fashion:
I'm left here, bewildered,
Still standing on the tracks,
Crashed, derailed, abandoned
With no way of turning back.
Still I continue moving on
With little hope it seems,
Of ever realizing
The fulfillment of "our" dreams.
Hope this was some help and good luck in your rewrite. -
Very good start!
This is a good poem -- but, here goes (you asked for CC's) -- I would not try to rhyme as you have! The structure needed for rhyming can be very confining! Perhaps abandoning the rhymes can free you up and allow deeper thoughts and fuller explanations to be used in your poem! I notice the last stanza is not rhymed like your others -- so you might consider my suggestions. Further, free verse can allow you to carry very good rhythm and flow to almost perfection! Sure, rhymed poetry seems more appealing when read to an audience -- but, free verse is also much easier to write!
If you do not want stop rhyming, then harder to make your line lengths more equal, then have similar syllable counts and thus insuring the best rhythm as well as rhyme!
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What can I say... I'm a rhyme-a-holic You are, of course, correct... I probably should go free verse... I'll sleep on it... thank you for the read and the great comment and suggestions... I owe you friend
Ken
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okay here's goes: You wanted me to give you some suggestions. Here goes: First off the picture is wonderful! I love it and think you did wonderful with this prompt. It's great what you wrote. I only thought to change it a little at the end. The last few stanza's. Now this is only a suggestion and you do as you wish cuz this is your baby and not mine. And your's is just fine the way it is. I think I came up with something different because of our writings styles are so different. So here's what I came up with:
Your last stanza is:
The passion of the early years
gave way to daily needs.
The promises that we made
never bore fruit from those seeds.
My changes begin:
Yet somewhere, I'm not exactly sure when
our tracks split apart
I continued onward
while yours veered off
with your heart.
Now I am left
to travel those same tracks
alone.
I wonder,
will those tracks
ever come together again?
And will I
find my dreams
when they do?
Hummmm..... how's that? What'cha think?
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Great comments
I guess I'm not as optimistic as I think... it never occurred to me that the tracks would ever come back... I was really thinking of the fol le ol - the image of the tracks coming together in the distance... a metaphor for dreams never being realized... Too obtuse, I guess... I'm going to rework it and see if I can salvage this Thank you for the read and comments...
Ken -
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Hey did you re-work your poem yet? Am curious on how it came out to be. After several of us giving you suggestions and all. I bet yours turn out even better than the suggestions.
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