when it happens,
it will be nothing romantic,
as bloated with gray
as a streetlamp in london,
god pissing on all the stray cats
and rooftops
i will have forgotten you
by then, cleansing
in the livers of angels,
and me, loving every wind
as potently as a glass of water -
two ice cubes, a mouth,
nothing fewer.
maybe it will end the next time
i cross a busy southern
intersection, pass a colder face
on the way and recall something
almost you,
a red balloon,
a smile who has stopped writing
to tell me exactly
when you died.
Author notes
not your first epitaph,
and certainly not your last
A contest entry
- Very Important Poets-->INVITE only by sailor ptolema.
4300 points, ended December 5, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
rip it, damn it.
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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AHH I went through a lot of your poems to find this one...
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This is cold and raw and I like it. I am not a Silver or Gold Member. Too cheap tp spend the $$. Anyway i can give you some applause and my best wishes to you in you rcraft.
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I think if I go around commenting on all your poems, I'll use up all my points on applause! this is amazing though, it really is.
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This is raw - and I love it
... the "livers of angels" really stuck out to me, as did the god pissing on stray cats 
... the beginning, the matter of fact way that you open this poem, is perfect - and the closing is very powerful 
I love the addition of the red balloon - very colourful against the greyness of the poem.
Polly
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Wow okay, what can I say,
this was mind blowing...
Outstanding writing.
Very enjoyable reading.
loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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this is ridiculously good. like, envyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. i love the images of a red balloon and a smile that stopped writing, shit where do you get this stuff sora! i even love the subtle images in the poem, like ice cubes. gd this is amazing
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Hmm meant to look at these new ones yesterday, but am here now
So you been to London then? I mean you capture it perfectly, Grey and perpetually raining lolz
Hmm I loved this poem, you are such a good writer its crazy, mine just pale in comparison
"pass a colder face
on the way and recall something
almost you,
a red balloon,
a smile who has stopped writing
to tell me exactly
when you died."
This was just great, your way of manipulating words is brilliant, will have to be quicker to read any more you write, its always a pleaaure
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i stopped by london once on a plane trip to somewhere else.
yeah, it was raining. haha
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damn it. i hate this contest more and more as i read each entry. first mike, now you. why is everyone so badass?
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god, your comment is fucking hysterical.
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haha, geez. i could say the same for yours
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This is different than I had expected, this is so well done, you have a way with words and I like that, I was always afraid to comment on your poems because your writing is so damn good next to mine
This will blow any entry right out of the water and that's a good thing, and I mean every word of this, I don't comment if I don't like something.
I LOVED IT.
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i beg to differ
your poetry is perfectly wonderful :] -
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haha thank you
I have always liked your poetry just haven't commented for awhile, so I'd thought I would pay you a visit to be a small annoyance
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"a smile who has stopped writing
to tell me exactly
when you died."
You kill all the competition. Seriously. Like POWPOWPOW .. and we all die.
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pffffffft i wish
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you wish for us to die?
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>_> oooops. freudian slip!
hahaha
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I like this, the imagery is really strong and 'vivid' in the first stanza if that makes sense. I like the theme behind it aswel, it flows really well too, goodluck in the contest
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a carburator turned green
coughs
and you might think is the smog
but street lamps in london bloat the whole city gray
people who write epitaphs are like hydrants watching the dog depart...
this one is good though only not read as one
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"and i loving every wind"
Am I reading this line wrong or something?
I kept thinking, "Is it: "and i, loving every wind" but I really don't know.
Otherwise...
I love how direct and matter-of-fact this is; you maintain all the metaphor and imagery of geniuses and still never pass off as Pretentious Prick.
god, this is fucking good.
"bloated with gray"<==awesome use of 'bloated', and so unexpected. I love your diction.
"god pissing on all the stray cats
and rooftops"<==ahhhhh yessss, blasphemy is so sweet here.
"two ice cubes, a mouth,
nothing fewer."
Where do you come up with the best juxtapositions that actually make sense?!!!
"colder face"
"almost you"
"a smile who has stopped writing
to tell me exactly
when you died."
Holy FUCK!!!
Jessica
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oh, and did i ever tell you how much i love your comments? they never fail to make me smile...and i think i can say the same for every other AP poet lucky enough to get a comment from you.
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You just did.
Mmm, the people who get less-than-complimentary comments from me usually need to be bitch-slapped into obedience school to shut the frilly heck up. Meaning, they're not so fond of my comments.
LMAO.
Smiling is healthy, if not great in preventing future wrinkles XD <==ahhh you bring out the Asian in me.
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i don't even comment on poems like that, which is probably worse, so they should feel very damn well lucky getting your input. ^^
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I think so.
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ah good catch with the "i loving" thing.
dunno what i'd do without you.
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