I looked for you by the roses where I first saw you.
What was it in your eyes that made me smile?
From the olive tree I heard the sad palomas,
the warble weeping softly like a child.
The summer's past and now the dim otono
has withered every rose except the one
that bares her scarlet breast outside your window
and spills her scent before a distant sun.
I hold your image gently like the letter
you sent to me while I was far away,
the pictures that you drew, palomas blancas,
beseeching me to please come home to stay.
I could not tell you then enamorada,
a man like me knows little of such words
that speak our souls and cry our piercing passion --
my love for you, my duty to my sword.
I call for you, y el agua de la fuente
answers me in verses soft and sad
como los voces de los muertes palomas negras
and tells me I have lost what I once had.
A contest entry
- palomas negras [black doves] by unraveled.
550 points, ended November 23, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Compelling is definitely the right word for this. This is beautiful. Although I am not normally a fan of ABCB rhyme, you have pulled this off so well that I can appreciate both the rhyme and meter.
Adding a few spanish words was a nice touch. To me, it gives the poem a little more precision because the words stand out.
I particularly liked lines 3 and 4, and the last stanza.
Well done!
Thank you for the entry
-cassidy
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I thought the flow suffered slightly in the second line of the last stanza, but found this quite compelling nonetheless. Loss seems an appropriate direction to take with black doves.
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Thanks for your insightful comments. For me, the line you reference still scans well -- but I will thoughtfully consider your critique.
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This is soft and sad. I love the contrast of palomas blancas/negras, and the rhythm of the poem contains the music.
I liked most the line 'my love for you, my duty to my sword.'
The images and symbols used are strong, and I am left with a feeling of great loss, of acceptance of what must be.
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