blisters-
ruining my shoes, my dance-floor
partying beneath my tongue my eyes
the room-
we spin, we are a carousel,
and dream of hungry bridges
high and long,
across the neurons, past the blood
the sugar sweetens
it's only love
it's only love
(but what is love if not a weakness...)
we walk until we drop-
and dance until the bubble pops
your eye-lashes are dilated-
pupils blood-shot-
pace is failing-
jaw is broken, snapped and crossed
with kisses slapped into the dust
i am a rainbow in film noir-
i am a soldier without a scar
i am a gun
i am a gun
give me the sun
give me the sun.
the high is hidden in the toilet seat-
my ribs are broken from eating sweat-
it isn't sex if you're not there-
if you're elsewhere
and can't come round-
a strangled figure
ankles growing from the poles and ropes
and buzz of -
never really existing at all.
feet are creaking
heavy dancefloors
plastic ceiling,
cardboard in and smoke me out
inside in,
and spin my skull,
to further down
the rabbit hole...
and vodka fills-
but so do pills-
what have you done?
what have you done?
take me away -
- give me the sun.
Author notes
Blaaaaaaaaaah... fuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkk....... =] bad writing, bad times, fuckit... whayyy...
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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i don't think this is bad writing at all. i needed something different and you gave me that. thank you for sharing this with me today and i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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I definitely wouldn't say it's bad writing in the least. I would understand the bad times, but it is from these bad times that you were able to write this piece.
There is so much emotion and story behind it. One can tell this is nothing you just decided to make up on the spot, but probably spent hours writing and had a hard time to express how you truly felt.
I must say the line which caught my attention the most was "i am a rainbow in film noir-" It just creates an amazing image in my mind, thank you very much for that. -
I loved this. So much confusion and angst. I completely get it. And great imagery. I am almost completely speechless. Well done.
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"your eye-lashes are dilated-
pupils blood-shot-"
It would sound better as
"your pupils are dilated-
eyes blood-shot-"
This is good though
Well done
Shelly
x -
Promise ... sing
and vodka fills-
but so do pills-
what have you done? ... authored an effectively chaotic stream of consciousness seemingly more spreading smoke screens behind smokescreens that smoking yourself out despite the provocation that these images may be perceived to stimulate.
Is the individual a carousel spinning top like down the proverbial page ?
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this is a good poem but i think it could have flowed a little better and it was kndsa hard to follow but besides that it was a good poem
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that writing is not bad at all that is wow.. very good
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I havent been writing or reading much poetry lately sadly, especially sadly now I read this.
You are fantastic, but you already knew I thought that.
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oh my god?
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haha i forgot i'd written this!!! hahaha. crazyyy... how are you doing? i love you x
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wow this is really good! I love how its your thoughts but they are so rhymatic. I love the repetition in all of this. I odn't even know what to say, but amazing. Even if it is bad times, excellent writing.
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I think this is my favorite piece you've ever written. I'm bookmarking it.
When I read that first stanza my jaw plummeted and I felt my heart speed up. I especially loved this line:
"partying beneath my tongue my eyes"
It's so murky but spectacular none the less. It's also a very unique image.
I loved the use of repetition in this piece and the small bits of rhyme. It was all soo incredible.
I completely adore the texture of this piece. It's so seedy, rich, dark, mouthwatering, stunning, despairing, sexy, tainted... and so many other words I can't think of. It left me with something very gritty and raw, something rare. You're poetry always leaves me like that.
lovelovelove you always
♥
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Thankyou lover, oh the things i do when i'm highh eh? =] glad u like it, and it's good to be back! =] i adore you x
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It's nice and creative, and I feel this is great stuff and comes from how one feels. It's not the usual stuff you get to read , and this makes such writes interesting, this is something novel and this is what you gotta give the reader. Well done!
Love and light,
Lencio -
highly creative wiritng
highly creative writing, showing the rollercoaster of drug/alcohol-taking. Reminded me of trainspotting,
best wishes,
Isabella
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Epic, this is wonderfully creative
An d vodka fills but so do pills
what have you done what have youdone
This miriad of short alice down the rabbit hole sentences gives us a peek at the chaos of intoxication, be it by emotion or substance, it makes my head throb, it is amazingly real
seriosly good write indeed, bravo
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I love scattered poetry like this. Wonderfully uncollected thought procession writing. It makes it so interesting to read, and boy was it interesting. It uses short, scattered lines that lend imagery an extra hand, and make it all the better. You should read a friend of mine, Sliptheflitch, she writes a lot like this, and I think you too would get along smashingly. Good write!
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Thanks for the comment and the suggestion of Sliptheflitch i will deff check her out =]]] Cheers again mate <3 x
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This is definately differant.Yes it is true that it all seems to whirl from one obscure thought to the other and they do not really go together at times I think that for this particular piece it works.Gives an image for us to see and picture and lets us get into your thoughts and how you are feeling.Pretty good I think.
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Yeah not a bad write... Just a blur stuff but true...
the high is hidden in the toilet seat-
My fav line in this.. I laughed hard on this. But this is true to me . This is what happenes when I am a bit High...LOvely and different -
This is NOT bad writing. It's just... like... really drugged-out stream of consciousness type stuff. I made the guess that it's about being on ecstasy at a rave. Let me know if I'm reeeeeeeeaallly far off on that one!
It's cool, because it just seems so all over the place - like someone in an altered state would obviously feel. It's like feeling someone else's experience. And that's weird.
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Bang on. =] haha i forgot i'd written this... =] good times. Thanks for the comment =] xxx
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